Claudia's Journey...

Praise the Lord!

2007-10-17T20:29:00.000-07:00

PRAISE THE LORD!!! So, as you can tell, we got good news yesterday! The tumor is not growing! Of course, we always want to hear that its shrinking or better yet, gone, but I truly believe we will hear that some day and until then, the next best thing is that its not growing.

The day went ok. Her MRI was scheduled for 12:30, so we left for Indy that morning. She can't have anything to eat or drink the day of so that's always a little rough. Also, she's really starting to understand and anticipate what's ahead...a part of this I've always dreaded. We walked in the hospital and the first thing out of her mouth was, "Is this going to be scary, mommy? Please don't leave me, mommy." It took everything in me to keep from crying right there. Its just so hard to watch your child go through something like this. For the next hour of waiting she just wanted to be held...she was clearly scared. Because she no longer has the port, she has to be put out with the gas mask, which is hard. They let me hold her as they used the mask. I sang to her the entire time. She took it pretty well. But she woke up hard. They tried several pokes to get a good vein in her hands but couldn't find one so they had to use a vein in her foot. She was crying pretty hard from it hurting badly. She was very glad to get it out! And she's very, very proud of her Strawberry Shortcake band-aid and doesn't want to take it off!

Waiting for results is one of the hardest parts of the day...my mind always takes me down this horrible road as we sit in the cancer clinic just waiting for the dr. to walk down the hall with our results. She said the tumor looks exactly the same! No growth!

Thank you so much for your prayers. The Lord hears and is answering! He has truly blessed us with amazing prayer warriors and support. We love you all!

I promise to try and update sooner! And, yes, Christian still promises to update about his and Claudia's Disney trip. So until then...

MRI ahead...

2007-10-14T19:28:00.000-07:00

Wow. Life has been so crazy. And busy. And, um interesting. And...I am blessed. I'm going to let all the pictures below tell the story of all we have been up to lately (sorry if you have dial-up, there's a TON of pic.'s), but before that, I'll give you a very quick update. (And I mean quick this time!)

I think Claudia falls more in love with her little sister every day...and so do we. Kendall LOVES being held and cuddled, and will let you know this when you set her down. She loves being talked to and does her best to try and talk back. It's really cute. We haven't quite got the sleeping thing down yet. In fact, we don't have it down at all. Kendall cries most of the night, which in turn, keeps Claudia up, which in turn means we're all up!!! Kendall has been settling down to sleep around 6 am...yes, in the morning. Claudia has been waking up around 3 am and wanting to play. Needless to say, I've never been this sleep deprived in my life! However, I know this too shall pass! Its just so cute to see Claudia with Kendall...she's so in love with her. She (Claudia) still needs to learn the whole "personal space" thing...poor Kendall!

On another note, we are asking for your prayer again. Claudia has her next MRI this next Tues. (Oct. 16). This will be her first standard MRI without her port...which means more needles and IV's...something we're very much not looking forward to. I'm so ready for this dumb thing to just shrivel up and BE GONE! I will keep you updated. Lord, please calm my heart. You know the anxiety these procedures bring. Please heal our baby girl...YOU ARE ABLE!

Now, here's what our family has been up to...

The end of August, Nate & Olivia (Christian's brother) had another little boy. Owen Smith arrived 2 weeks early (I think that's right)! This is Nate with their newest addition and Abraham (almost 3 yrs.)

Olivia and Owen.

On September 2nd, my parents celebrated their 40th Anniversary!

We all celebrated with dinner at The Boathouse and cake/icecream at the house. One of the presents we sisters went together and got them was tickets to the Bill Gaither and Homecoming Friends concert a few weeks ago! "Tis (still) Wonderful!" (For those of you who understand that!)

Their 40th brought everyone together for a family picture! (Is it obvious how "thrilled" the guys were?!)

At the end of Sept., we were off to Florida to visit Christian's mom and dad and to attend his cousin, Erin's wedding. We took the camper so the 15 hour trip with a baby and toddler wasn't TOO bad! (Sarcasm!) But, its always worth it and we had a fun time visiting family! We also got to meet Christian's cousin, Devin's new little guy, Peyton (one week older than Kendall)! It stinks we forgot our camera that day. Below is Christian with the girls at the beach, we only went one day...it was pretty windy, so it didn't last long!

Because of the wind, the sand was blowing pretty hard so Claudia proudly wore my sunglasses the whole time! She LOVES the beach!

The wedding was beautiful. The weather called for rain, but it passed over and the evening was perfect. Congratulations Erin and Bradley!

Our family at the wedding.

Claudia with the two little flower girls, Ava and Madeline (2nd cousins to Claudia!) They were adorable!

Dancing with daddy at the reception.

Aunt Tara (Christian's dad's sister...and mother of the bride!) and Kendall.

After arriving back from Florida, a week later, Christian's parents were up to Indiana for his dad's training and another visit! One night we all went to Ft. Wayne to visit Nate and Olivia...which was the first time they had seen Owen! Here's cousins and great buds, Abraham and Claudia.

The three brothers, Nate, Christian and Dale.

Here's Grandma reading to the grandkids.

Another day, we all went to the Ft. Wayne Zoo! It was the first time Claudia had been to the zoo! SHE LOVED IT! Here's the cousins at the kangaroo exhibit.

The gang watching the sea lions!

The McCray girls at the zoo! (Christian still can't believe he's got a family of all women! He constantly says how sorry he feels for what my dad went through! Just wait until they're teenagers Christian! You ain't seen nothin' yet!!!)

Christian and his mamma (in the rain forest!)

Claudia rode the carousel with A.Olivia, U.Nate and Abraham!

We all met up at Casa's Restaurant another night.

Grandma and Pa got Claudia and Abraham rollar skates and the whole protective gear to go along. So we got them all suited up and let them try! It was hilarious!

Ready to go!

She did, um, well, she needs A LOT more practice...or help!

The whole family together (minus Andrea)! We can't wait until Thanksgiving when we'll all be together again! :)

Oct. 2, Kim turned 36!!! So we had another party...

Even Janelle and her boyfriend, Doug, came down from Chicago! (Which by the way, please pray for Janelle, she just found out she has mono. Yuck.) And notice, Grandpa Kessler isn't wearing glasses anymore, his caterac surgery was very successful!

The other day, I came around the corner to find Claudia playing with Kendall...if you can't tell, she has one of her old port/tubes. She had it tucked up in Kendall's shirt and she's giving her "injections". She's still got the procedure down perfectly. Like I said in a previous post, its times like these, the reality of all she's been through hits home.

My cousin Steve and his wife Freya (who live in Bremen, about 1/2 hr. away), just had their second little boy last week, so my sisters, mom and I went to visit...all together in the the RV...just like the Beverly Hillbillies! The kids were so excited and couldn't wait. So, here we are on our way. The twins didn't know what to think!

This is where the kids spent most of the trip...up on the top bunk. (I know, I know, they should be in their carseats...)

And here is my mom and sister, Jenny, getting a look at Henry Samuel Varner for the first time (with Freya)!

They ordered pizza for us so here is Steve, Freya, their other son, Max, my Aunt Beverly, my mom and Lynae.

"Weeeeee're sisters!!!" My mom (on the right) and Aunt. My Aunt Beverly was in town (from Kansas) to help out the first week so it was a lot of fun to see her as well!

My cousin Steve playing "referee" for all the kids. (I hope our large clan didn't terrorize their night too much!)

And lastly, I'll leave you with some updated pictures of Kendall. She's getting so big, so fast. Last dr.'s appt., she weighed in at 14 lbs. putting her in the 95th percentile for her age! That's my girl!

She smiles soooo much now, especially when you talk to her! She'll even smile when she hears my voice! But do you think I could get a single picture of her smiling? Nope. She smiles real big and by the time the picture takes, she has this frown...I give up!

This picture doesn't do her rolls justice!!!!

2 1/2 months

If she's not smiling, this is the look she has on her face. Everyone always comments on how "serious" she looks! (And yeah, I know, she looks EXACTLY like her daddy!)

As I'm reflecting upon all that's gone on these past couple of months...and as I look at this beautiful family God has given me, I can't help but thank Him...I'm soooo blessed!

I'll keep you updated on Claudia's MRI results. Thank you so much for your prayers. We love you all!

She's here!!!!

2007-08-08T11:13:00.000-07:00

She's finally here! Kendall Faith was born Thursday, July 19th around 5pm.

I've sat down at the computer to write this post about 20 times but between a crying baby, a big sister (aka as Claudia!!) trying to "help" a little too much, to...you name it...I haven't had time. Sooo...here's my attempt. For now, because of time (or lack of!), I'm going to just give details and tell as much as I can with pictures and continue it later when I have more time.

My actual due date was July 29th, but because Claudia was so big and caused quite a bit of "damage" my Dr. decided to induce me early. He set the date for the 18th mainly because this would be his first day back from vacation. Knowing when I was going in was nice but also kind of "nerve wracking" so we tried to have as much fun before and spend some special time with Claudia before the big "day" (or should I say changing-experience-for-a-lifetime!).

Typical (pre-baby!) summer day...swimming with the cousins. Of course, whenever we hear the icecream truck we all sprint to the front yard (even though we could easily buy a whole gallon of icecream for what they charge for a popsickle!)

"Nobody in the pool until ALL your icecream has been eaten!" (We've had too many chunks of chocolate and sticks mysteriously floating in the pool!)We swam almost every day...before the baby that is. (We'll stick to a picture of Christian and Claudia - I wouldn't want you to mistake me for a beached whale!!!)

The day before my induction, we got a group of people together and went to Tokens-N-Tickets for dinner and games.

Our last family picture as 3!

We then went over to my parents (who have a neighborhood full of kids) and Christian-the-pyro set off the rest of the fireworks we had left over from the 4th of July. But before the show, we just HAD to go frog hunting! My parents have a big pond across the street and the kids LOVE hunting for frogs. When the fireworks show was over, Grandma had icecream cones waiting for everyone inside. It was a fun night...and even despite the excitement and anticipation of meeting Kendall, I couldn't help but feel a sense of dread on the ride home!

The day before, we got everything out and ready to go...I came around the corner and found Claudia trying out Kendall's carseat! She had it buckled and all! I laughed so hard!

I was scheduled to be at the hospital around 8pm the 18th. The plan was for them to give me a drug overnight, not necessarily to start labor, but to get my body "ready" to make induction easier the next morning around 7am. Here I am, all hooked up and signing all the paperwork. Christian and Claudia stayed with me until her bedtime and then went home so we could ALL get a good night's sleep...YEAH RIGHT...my labor started around 1am that night. It was bearable, but I was definitely ready for the Dr. (and epidural!) that next morning!

I really am happy here! I promise! Ok...long story short...Dr. came around 7:30 to start Pitocen, but because of various reasons (like having an intern nurse that didn't know what she was doing and the Dr. being in multiple c-sections), they didn't get it started until 9:30ish. They didn't get my epidural started until this time either - which was another ordeal in itself. The first epidural didn't work, so they tried it again about a half hour later. Ouch!! And even that one didn't work...my legs were so numb and heavy that they actually hurt and yet I could feel every thing from waist up! They tried all sorts of things but there were 7 births happening the same time as me and she was constantly in surgery (c-sections) so they never did get it right. So during the absolute hardest part of labor, I felt everything, but couldn't move because of my legs. It was pretty rough. By around 3:30pm, it was getting pretty unbearable and I wasn't dilating past 5 cm, the nurse said I would most likely be in labor for at least 3+ hours, Dr. wasn't available, anaesthesiologist wasn't available so I gave in and took this one drug that made me so loopy, I barely remember anything else. The worst part is, moments after they gave me this drug, the Dr. came in and said I was ready to push....30 minutes later we had Kendall Faith!!! The delivery couldn't have gone better! Praise the Lord! Unfortunately, like I said, I was in and out of it and don't remember much more of the day. People came to see me that night and I don't remember it. I'm so sad to have missed these first special moments...BUT the great delivery and healthy arrival of our little girl far outweighs it all! I don't remember a lot, but Kendall cried for at least her first 2 hours of life. We were all a little worried, but after she finally nursed, she calmed down and hasn't (barely!) cried since! She was a 7 lbs. 12.5 oz., 20.5 inches

This is the first time Claudia met Kendall. I could NOT wait to see her face and how she would react...we had waited and talked about this for so long and Claudia was SOOOOO excited. I don't remember a lot...just that Claudia was a little upset because she wouldn't quit crying!

Yep, she looks exactly like Christian...exactly. (When I get time, I'll scan one of his baby pictures for you to compare...they look so much alike, its kinda scary!)

She's getting ready to cry so she's really making a sour face but I love this picture because it shows her little legs and arms still all curled up. I read that if you take a picture soon enough after they're born, you can see how they were most likely curled up in the womb before they came out.

Claudia is soooo proud of her! She's ALWAYS touching, kissing, hugging, poking....just IN HER FACE! If allowed, she would probably hold her all day. This has actually been the most difficult part. And if told to leave her alone, she starts crying and says, "But she's my sister!" She's also quite possessive of her. She cries if everyone else gets to hold her. She definitely loves her little sister!

Her first bath. I'm not sure she necessarily liked it, but she didn't cry one bit.

One of the rare moments she has her eyes open. And yep, she's got the crazy hair! Everyone always asks if Claudia's was like this...believe it or not, her's was longer, thicker and even more crazy!!!!

Christian has done a really good job of giving Claudia some special attention throughout this transition time. (In fact, I've FINALLY talked him into doing a post...he's agreed to do the next one and tell about his and Claudia's trip to Disney World last week! So stay tuned...) Here they are at my parent's after catching a big bass! Claudia loves touching and holding the fish. However, the day wasn't without drama...

...Christian got a hook caught in his finger. All the woman begged him to go to the Dr. but, no, he decided to soak it in cold water (to numb it up) and my dad yanked it out. OUCH!!!

The two sisters! I love these girls!

A few more of Kendall...

There's so much more to tell, and so many more pictures. (Next time, I'll have to explain how we chose her name and the crazy story around that!) In fact, these are from last week and she's already changed so much (she gained over a pound in less than 2 weeks!). But for now, Kendall is "calling" me as Claudia begs me to hold her, so, I'll have to continue this later when I get some more time...until then, I'll leave you with one of my favorites...

A day full of God's blessings

2007-06-28T00:22:00.000-07:00

People are always asking me for all the details…well, if you are not one of those people, you may just want to skim over this next post and go striaght to the bottom for her MRI results because God so richly blessed us yesterday, I can’t help but give you all the details of the day!

We decided, last minute, to stay home instead of driving down and staying in a hotel the night before. (We had to be there around 6:45am.) We did this mainly because Claudia’s (HORRIBLE) sleeping schedule has been for her to wake up around 4 am, all geared up and ready to conquer the world! We figured that we might as well try to get to bed extra early and be driving instead of laying in the hotel room when she woke up. And at this point, staying in hotels the night before an MRI always seems to make us all especially “anxious” as well as making it hard to relax because Claudia thinks we need to explore the place all night; so whenever possible, we avoid it. Christian also had his last two softball games of the season the night before (at 8 and 9 PM) and really wanted to play, so that just seemed to settle it. Needless to say, it didn’t make getting up at 4 in the morning any easier, but Claudia did really well! Just like an alarm clock, by 4 she was ready to go. I was worried that she would relentlessly beg for something to eat (she couldn’t have anything past midnight), but we gave her her own big bottle of apple juice, neat straw and all (she could have liquid until 5 am) and she loved it! She thought is was pretty "cool" (this is one of her newest words/terms!) and never asked once for something to eat! Well, actually she begged to go to McDonald’s every time we passed one, but for some reason (wink wink), they were all closed! Is it wrong to lie like that? Anyway, the trip went very well and we actually made it in record time.

We opted to have these procedures done at St.Vincent's Hospital instead of Clarion North Hospital mainly because this involved surgery, not just an MRI (and for many other, various reasons that if you really want to know, I’d be more than happy to share with you) and I am sooooo glad we did. Our cancer clinic was originally out of St. Vincent's Hospital but recently moved to Clarion in order to be a part/branch of Riley Children’s Hospital. We love our dr. and decided to transfer along with them, but we definitely miss St. Vincent’s and this visit reminded us why. We were worried about the communication of the results between the two hospitals because they are in separate networks but St. Vincent's handled it perfectly in so many ways. (I’ll explain more a little later.)

As I expressed in an earlier post, because her surgery was first and parents aren’t allowed in the operating room, I was so worried about how she would handle being put to sleep with the gas mask…and alone. Every time we talked with her this past week about removing her port, she increasingly expressed her worry that we would leave her. This method (gas mask) is how she will have to be put to sleep from now on and I really didn’t want it to be a traumatic experience. In pre-op, we discussed all this with the nurses and basically begged them to, at least, let one of us be with her until she was asleep. It didn’t look promising but they kept saying they would see what they could do. Well, God answered our prayers big and they ended up letting me “suit up” and actually be with her in the operating room. I sang to her as she fell asleep in my arms. She never shed a single tear. Of course, I was fighting back my own tears the entire time and completely lost it the minute I kissed her good-bye!

The surgery went really well. They were able to use the same incision they used to insert the port. And just a little side note or, “God thing”….I know it sounds weird, but we really wanted to have her port. She was sooooo proud of it and it took awhile to convince her that it was a good thing to take it out! Until recently, she would even cry every time we mentioned it! To help with this, and not thinking it would be a problem, we began talking with her about wandering what her port looked like and that it would be fun to play with. (I know, this may sound gross or weird to you, but until you have a sick child you probably can’t understand everything that goes into trying to help them feel comfortable with all the awful procedures they have to endure. Consequently, one of her favorite things to play is pretending that she is putting in a port. She has a few of the real thing (with the needles broken off), so she pretends to put it in, inject the solution with a real, but empty syringe, close the tube off, etc. It's quite amusing, but after having her blood drawn at least once a week for almost 2 years, she has the routine down almost perfect. Every single one of her dolls has a band-aid (which is one of her absolute favorite gifts to receive…especially the fun decorative ones!) on the port area from pretending this. As I sit here and explain all of this, I realize how sad and somewhat pathetic it all is. And yet, this is her life. She knows no other. She is one, very brave girl and I am so so proud of her.) Anyway, when we mentioned wanting the port to the nurses and surgeon, they acted as though it would be impossible…this would violate every infectious disease regulation in the book! Well, our surgeon was this very skilled, old, by-the-book kind of man that had a “hard” outer shell but a big soft heart. And as we were walking down to the OR, I overheard him tell his assistant, “We’re just going to throw it away anyway…and no one needs to know about it…” So in our post-op consult, he walked in with a big smile and her port in his hand! When you’re hanging on to the end of the stress rope for dear life, its amazing how the little things can mean so much! When we showed it to her later, I don’t think she completely understood what it was, but she will someday…and it will be another emotional reminder of the miracle that she is.

And one more little “God thing”…There is a big, beautiful player-grand-piano in the surgical waiting area that I had always seen but never heard play. If fact, I didn’t think it did play. But, the entire time we waited for her to come through surgery, it was playing beautifully arranged hymns. God so perfectly orchestrated this for such an incredibly stressful time. I felt His presence and comfort so strong. Even Christian (who wouldn’t normally “appreciate” this type of music) commented how peaceful it made him feel and how much it calmed his nerves.

We had to get a copy of the MRI on CD for our dr. to view before we were able to get the results and we were worried this may take awhile. The last time we needed this, there was a lot of confusion and it took several hours to get the copy in hand. Not this time. An MRI tech hand-delivered it to us in the waiting room before Claudia had even reached the recovery room! Amazing! Christian immediately ran it over to our dr. at the other hospital so they would have the results before we even arrived at Clarion for her post-op consult/results after recovery.

We have found that she wakes up best from the anesthesia the sooner we are able to be with her…sometimes we can even avoid tears. As a result, we asked that they come get us as soon as possible post-op. Often times, the nurses don’t want parents in the way and will wait to come get us until she is more awake. This time, they definitely got us ASAP! In fact, she hadn’t even been there 2 min.’s before I got back there! However, she woke up pretty hard this time. She was obviously in pain from her incision and was visibly “irritated” with her IV in her little arm, but all things considered, did so well. (In fact, she did so well, the nurse gave her TWO picks from the treasure chest on our way out!!!!) Furthermore, we obviously had a very good anesthesiologist because he got a good vein on his very first try…no bruises on every limb, like we are used to! Again, PRAISE GOD!

And the best part of the day…HER TUMOR IS NOT GROWING!!!! Our dr. said we had one of the best radiologists from St. Vincent’s to read her MRI. This MRI marks the two year mark for no growth of the tumor!

Thank you Lord for answering our many prayers! This day was clearly full of your Hands at work. May you receive ALL glory, honor and credit for these results and all the so-called “coincidences” of the day! Thank you for reminding me that you are in and even care about the little things. My heart overflows with joy, thanksgiving and love to you. May your name be praised! Amen.

So, she’ll continue to go back every 12 weeks for MRI’s. Her next one is scheduled for the end of September. If they continue to look good, she will eventually go for scans every four months. Because of the nature of this type of tumor, our dr. said she probably won’t begin to feel “comfortable” with the no growth results until it has been 20 yrs. (or so). I told her to just wait…its going to disappear! This is my prayer and I BELIEVE He is more than able!

Thank you so much for your faithful prayer on our behalf. God does hear each prayer and clearly chose to answer all (or at least most :) )of them yesterday! PRAISE HIM!

And as I promised, a few pic’s from yesterday. (Also, this post got a little long…and its 3 am, Claudia will be up in less than an hour… so check back in few days or so and I’ll update with LOTS of pictures on everything else going on in our lives!)

Waiting for surgery and showing us her port....one last time.

Still waiting. She doesn't like the hospital outfits they give her and this time in particular, she complained that they were "so scratchy" so we just left the top off and wrapped her up in her beloved blankie! Also, Aunt Kimmie & Cousin NaeNae gave her this little, talking piggie for the surgery and she loved it. Thanks Kim & Lynae!

Her pain today seems to be pretty minimal. She has only complained a few times but whenever we pick her up she says "be careful with me, my port's owie." She has also said to me about 20 times today, "Look mommy, my port's all gone!"

Thanks again to you all. You just don't know how much your faithful prayers mean to us...I hope this post may give you a little idea. We love and appreciate you so much.

Its that time again...

2007-06-21T23:55:00.001-07:00

I just can’t believe it’s this time again...MRI time, that is. I’m so horrible about updating, and at this point, probably have no more readers left…in which I could totally understand why!!

OK…before I get any further, I’m just going to be completely honest here…I’ve started this post over about 10 times for fear that I was “venting” too much or coming across as too negative, but sometimes I think its ok to just “be real.” Actually, I think we always need to be real, but maybe its just that our vulnerability often reveals issues of the heart that we don’t always want “exposed”…and yet, the only way God can truly continue to mold our hearts is to be honest, right? God has blessed our little family beyond words and I by ALL MEANS DO NOT want to come across as ungrateful for all that He has done and IS DOING in our lives. And even despite the many challenges and testing of our faith, God continues to reveal his amazing love for us. I just don’t understand why God gives us so many chances. I’m so thankful for a God that never gives up on us…I’m so underserving. God is good - all the time!

Sooooo, anyway…where do I start?!? I truly have had full intentions of updating this long ago, but we lost our camera…which in turn has most of the pictures I want to share. I’m absolutely sick about it. We’ve looked everywhere, and I think I’m in denial because I’ve put off writing this post in hopes it would show up. It hasn’t. I’m to the point now that I don’t even care about the actual camera (that we’ve only had 4 mos.), I just so desperately want all the pictures. Who knows, tonight I found a pair of Claudia’s pants neatly tucked away in the pantry with all the food. I don’t remember doing it, but know I’m clearly the one who did because I had them ready to put on her the other night and (thought) I just laid them down to go to the bathroom. When I was done, I couldn’t find them. (No, Claudia didn’t do it…she could never have reached the spot they were!) I thought I was just losing my mind at the time, actually, I obviously am! Can I blame this one on pregnancy? Or stress? Or both?!

With each passing day, my heart grows a bit more heavy …This next Tuesday, June 26th, Claudia will have another MRI. At this point, she will continue to have them every 12 weeks. (Lord, will I ever get used to this? Will I ever get rid of this pit in my stomach?) She will also undergo surgery to remove her port-a-cath. This will involve opening her up in the same place they inserted it and then cutting it away from the muscle that it is attached to. Since she’s had it inserted, we’ve tried to make it a big deal…that she’s really special for having one in hopes that she would let the dr.’s and nurses “mess” with it more easily, and believe me, it worked. She is VERY proud of it. In fact, when we first started putting the idea in her head that the dr. was going to take it out, she likes it so much she would cry. Now when we talk about it she just gets real serious and says, “and it won’t hurt, right, Mommy?” I don’t ever go into detail but it breaks my heart because I know that it will. They originally had these procedures (MRI and port removal surgery) scheduled for different days, but since they both require anesthesia, we begged them to do both at the same time. It seems to becoming more traumatic each time she’s put to sleep because she’s starting to understand what’s going on…and she HATES it. She’s had all this done way too many times and she knows the routine…all the pre-op stuff. So the tears start earlier and earlier each time. And on Tuesday, its only going to get a lot worse. Up until now, she’s had her port, so we always arrive with it accessed and they can put her to sleep through it while in our arms in the MRI room. However, now they’re going to have to start putting her to sleep with the gas mask and putting IV's in her little arms (which BTW, she has VERY bad veins and her arms and legs look like a pin cushion after trying to get a vein to work). They’ve only had to use this method (gas mask) 3 other times and every time it took several people to hold her down as she screamed hysterically until the drugs kicked in. And on top of it all, they won’t do the MRI first so we won’t be able to be with her when they put her to sleep with the mask. One of the absolute worst memories I have of her first surgery is seeing her little face as the dr. walked away with her. I still have nightmares about it. Ok, I really need to stop talking about this because I’m getting myself all worked up. I’m sure I am making this worse in my head than it actually will be on her, but this is the emotional mess I put myself through every time we get closer to an MRI. The only comfort is in knowing that God is completely in control and never leaves her…even after I have to hand her over. In fact, I think God has been reminding me of this even through Claudia...lately she’s been waking up in the middle of the night, crying real hard with bad dreams (I think they call them night tremors) and it seems to be a reoccurring dream she's having because she always talks about not liking/being afraid of the lions. When she wakes up crying, we pray and tell her that Jesus is always with her and that she can talk/pray to him whenever she is scared. Well, the past few days after telling me she’s “scared of the lions” she says, “ but we pray to Jesus and he help me!” Another cute story…At bedtime after our prayer time, she always asks me where Jesus is. I try my best to explain that He’s in Heaven (and sometimes go into the whole thing about how He can also live in our hearts…..etc, etc.) And lately, she’s been asking me randomly throughout (almost every) day if she can have Jesus over. Its sooo cute and precious. Anyway, I’m asking you all once again to please pray for her upcoming MRI and surgery. In the midst of everything going on right now (or ever, for that matter), I can’t even fathom what a bad report would mean…so I’m just refusing to even go down that road. I’m hoping, praying and BELIEVING in this miracle. HE IS ABLE!

In other news, life has been pretty busy and stressful around here lately. For those of you who may not know, we’re building a new house. I know, what were we thinking?!?! We broke ground in November and were supposed to be in this past March. It is now June and they’re telling us at least August. As you can see, everything hasn’t exactly gone, um, smooth. I’m still not quite sure why I ever agreed to this endeavor, and those that know me, know I can’t make a decision to save my life…and every decision I do make, I second guess. I’ll stand in the grocery store for 10 min.’s trying to decide which flavor of yogurt to get…now, imagine me trying to make 500 decisions (many being permanent) r/e a house! It has not been pretty. We’ve been in Lowe’s so many times, I’m convinced they have a cart reserved for us with our name on it. I’m VERY thankful for this opportunity, but I will also be VERY glad when its over. So, on top of trying to make all these decisions (pure torture!), getting our house ready to sell (also, pure torture! :) ), I’m in the process of unpacking all the baby stuff I had so neatly packed away, all ready for the new house. My official due date is July 28th, but I have an ultrasound July 2nd to determine exactly how I will deliver. I won’t go into details, but we’re going to have to try something a little different with this one…Claudia was 9 lbs. 10 oz., and let’s just say, left a permanent mark on my body. Along with my recent surgery, my dr. is talking more and more like this one may arrive a little early via c-section! We’ll see! Nine ultrasounds later, we’re still unable to tell what sex we’re having! We’ve been putting off so much, in hopes we could make things a little easier by knowing what we’re having. As a result, we have SO much to do before this one arrives. I’m thinking we should probably accept the fact that we may just have to be surprised and go ahead and get going…at least start talking about names and important things like that!!!

Its been so long since I’ve updated, I feel like I could go on forever telling you cute stories about how my little girl is growing up…how God is working in our lives…and how we’re reminded of His goodness, almost, on a daily basis. In fact, I’ve got a really neat story about our last appt. with the dr. that did Claudia’s surgery, but I think I’ll save that for the next post…it will go perfectly with the good report/update I’m going to give!!!

And for the few readers I may have left, here’s some pic’s Christian managed to pull before we lost our camera…

Easter 2007

Claudia with the Dawson gang (on Easter). Getting all the kids to look AND smile would be a modern miracle, so here's the best we could do...if only you could see the 10 adults making faces and noises on the other side!
Dying eggs. Her excitement (and attention span) wore off after the first egg! Oh well, I had fun dying them, atleast! And Easter this year was so cold we couldn't get outside for the annual egg hunt so Aunt Nelle hid them inside for all the kids.

Mother's Day 2007

I am so truly blessed. Period.

Daddy and Claudia doing one of her absolute FAVORITE things. I only wish you could see the more recent pictures on the camera we can't find. :(

Memorial Day 2007

Just a few of the gang for the big picnic we had.

If you only knew how much Claudia loves frogs (or toads)! The only thing is, she won't hold them unless she is wearing gloves - definitley ALL girl!

More pictures to come next post...I promise! Thanks again for your many prayers, encouragement and support. We love you all and will keep you updated.

Praising God!

2007-03-22T20:28:00.000-07:00

What a weekend...so full of highs and lows. I promised myself this week that I would never again ask you to pray for an upcoming MRI and then be so rude to not post results, so let me give you a quick update from our last few days.

I'll start from the beginning of the weekend...

Most of you know, but my dad is the men's basketball coach for Grace College and the team made it to the NCCAA tourney this year, and with it being in Princeton, IN (about a 5 hr. trip) there's no way we could not go! Long story short, we won Thurs and Fri. to advance to Sat.'s championship game (HOW EXCITING) to have to play Bethel College (of all schools...our conference rival). The weekend was absolutely nerve-wracking. My dad has THREE NCCAA runner-up titles and we were all so sure that this was our year to win it...but, it didn't work out that way and he now has four runner-up titles. Honestly, I don't even want to go back and re-live the events of that night to fill you in...it was just so heart-crushing...but we lost in overtime. We had several chances to win, but we just couldn't quite pull through. Oh well...we still love and are very proud of our Lancers!

So after a very disappointing weekend, we were off to Indy for the MRI. We were already so far south (in Indiana, that is), we just drove to Indy Sun. and stayed the night. We tried our best to try and relax and just have a fun night Sun., but I'm not going to lie...it was difficult. We were our usual nervous selves and those hotel-night-before-MRI's are horrible. And somehow, Claudia always seems to pull an up-all-night before these big days. She went to bed at 1am, woke up at 3am and was up until we left at 8am. CRAZY! And if we hadn't been so stressed and exhausted, we probably would have enjoyed our selves watching Claudia play. She was pretending she was in a jungle or something and we had lions, giraffes, ladybugs and all kinds of animals in our room. Did I mention she has developed quite the imagination lately? She really cracks me up! Anyway, the day of the MRI went pretty smoothly. I think this was the absolute first time ever that they "put her to sleep" without any tears! PTL! And once again, they came and got us before she really woke up so there were almost no tears waking up either! Again, PTL! We sat in the cancer clinic for over 2 hrs. waiting on results, and finally...THE TUMOR IS NOT GROWING!!!! So for the first time that day, we all had the tears flowing!!! With this good news, our dr. wants to go ahead and take her port out. This involves a surgery but the ongoing risk of having it in seems to be taking its toll...and we were quickly reminded of this. Claudia has had a fever since Tues. As I write, its 101.2 degrees. Once again, dr.'s can't figure it out. They thoroughly examined her...nothing. Blood tests...nothing. I've explained it so many times, I'll spare you all from explaining again why this is so scary (because of her port), but we're definitely concerned. So, we'll continue giving her Tylenol, trying to keep her temp down enough to ward off all seizures. Please pray this temp would disappear and life would just be "normal" for a few days!!! (Wait, what does "normal" even mean?!?!)

Also, I do promise to update with more of our latest events like our trip to Missouri for my Grandma's 90th birthday, and so much more...

Until then, we'll just keep rejoicing and praising our God for more good results! Thank you all so much for your continued, faithful prayer...words cannot express our deep gratitude to our many prayer warriors. We love you!

(Some pic.'s from this weekend...)

Waiting for the championship game to begin...

...still waiting (with my sister Jenny)...
...warming up...my dad, chatting with one of the Moore twins...

...and although so disappointed, sooooo proud of our Lancers!

Hanging out the night before the MRI in Indy at Dan Pablo's...I think Claudia ate an entire basket of chips herself, salsa and all!

(We then walked across the street to Barnes and Nobles...what were we thinking taking a 3 yr. old in there?! We took turns following her around, putting the hundreds of books back that she would take off...telling her, "no, we're not buying that book" every other one she touched! Sorry to all those in there trying to get away and read a good book. Nope...definitely not a stress reliever like we thought it may be!)

I couldn't possibly describe our weekend without a picture of Claudia and Christian at the pool...it was definitely the highlight for her. We had a pool at both hotels, and if I had a penny for everytime she asked to "go to the poow", I'd be richer than Trump!!!

She would start out in the pool, then get in the hot tub, then back to the pool, then back to the hot tub...you get the picture. I had the lame excuse of the "ouchy on my tummy" so I just had fun watching Christian follow her back and forth!!!

After the good news at the cancer clinic!! YEAH!!!! Holding her is Nurse Cindy...and believe me, she is the BEST nurse, Claudia is in LOVE with her. To the right is our Dr. Smith...she too, is WONDERFUL!

(BTW...I had an ultrasound yesterday (Wednesday) and everything looks great! Another Praise! However, the little stinker was face down and breech so no luck finding out the sex...maybe next time! But, it was so cute, he/she was sucking his/her thumb and fingers. I've always heard they sometimes do this in utero but have never seen it...sooooo cute! And to think you can still legally abort at this age (or at ANY age for that matter)...oh my, don't get me started! And yes, for all of you asking, I will TRY :) and post a pic. of my ever growing belly!)

Thank you, Lord for all your goodness to us...we know ALL good things come from you! May our attitudes and lives continue to glorify you through it all!

2007-03-14T23:37:00.000-07:00

Wow…its been awhile…where do I even begin?!

To keep this from becoming a 50 page book, I’ll fill you in with just mainly details this time. (At least, I’ll try not to get too windy!)

As I’m reviewing our last update, I realized I never even posted the results from Claudia's last MRI. I’m so sorry. The procedure itself went pretty smoothly. Normally, by the time they let us come back and see her after each MRI, she’s half-way awake (form the anesthesia) and screaming and crying…this time they let us see her before she began waking up, which means she got to wake up my arms and I can’t believe the amazing difference it made. She barely even cried! Now, if we can just get them to do the same thing again…I’m not holding my breath. Anyway, her tumor is not growing! (Back in Dec., that is.) We could tell the dr. was a little bit concerned last MRI. (Like she would never say it wasn’t growing, she just said “everything looks stable.”) So we were obviously EXTRA concerned. Well, according to the dr., they got really good pictures this time and it is definitely NOT growing! PTL! I get tears even thinking about it and I can still give you every tiny detail about that moment…and every moment we’ve received good news! Her next MRI is this Monday, March, 19th. My heart skips a beat thinking about it. Will I ever get used to these things? I’ll give you more details a little later…

Up to this point, we had been holding our breath regarding our Christmas plans, but getting a “clear” MRI meant we were off to Missouri for Christmas (we rotate Thanksgiving and Christmas every year with Christian’s parents in Florida and mine in Missouri). Christmas is always so special in Missouri…it’s the one time of year that everyone makes their best effort to get together…and with both of my grandparents being over 90, I can’t help but think these special Christmas' are numbered. Anyway, a week and a half before Christmas, Claudia came down with a very high fever. We ended up at Lutheran Hospital in Ft. Wayne. They ran the usual 20 tests (because she still has her port in) and they declared it a bladder infection. We were sent home with a prescription and thought it was all taken care of. It definitely wasn’t. Her temp. seemed to come down for a couple of days, but then it spiked back up real high. Our local pediatrician wanted to run more tests. A very long story short, another blood test and 2 more urine tests later, they determined it never was a bladder infection…but nobody could figure out what she did have. She had absolutely no other symptoms, just this very high temp (for over a week now) that we couldn’t get down. It was the day before Christmas, and we were definitely not going to Missouri. I think I cried the entire Christmas Eve…mainly because I was sooooo scared. We were on the phone with 2 of our dr.s almost every hour trying to figure out if we needed to spend Christmas eve and day in the hospital. We decided against it but kept her medicated and took turns staying up to keep an eye on her. Christmas day, we got the best gift ever given (besides the gift of Christ’s son!), Claudia’s temp was completely gone and she was perfectly normal! Go figure…BUT PTL!!!! It was weird being home, just the three of us, for Christmas. Yet, I felt so blessed. We ended up having my other set of grandparents and brother-in-law over for a last minute dinner. It was nice.

This is where I guess I decided Claudia was always the one having all the “fun” and that I (Sarah) needed to join in! (Is the sarcasm thick enough you can actually see it?!?) I’m pretty sure most of you already know but in Nov. we found out we were having child #2 (due in July)! Well, I had been having a lot of intense, unusual pain, so at 6 weeks, I went in to see the dr. An ultrasound showed a large mass behind one of my ovaries. The next day I was sent to our local hospital for a further, more extensive ultrasound. They determined it was just bowel. But the pain continued and my “gut” knew there was something wrong (and the fact that I could feel it and move it from one side of my abdomen to the other and it was big enough you could see it when I laid down…hmmm…). So around 12 weeks, they did another ultrasound. Every dr. that was in the office that day was in my room discussing how this “wasn’t right.” An MRI two days later confirmed it was a tumor on my left ovary. Four days later I was down in Indy at a woman’s cancer specialist and very skilled surgeon’s office…Dr. Kelly Manahan (for the many of you who know her!). She was an absolute God-send, but I’ll have to go into those details in another update…this one is already getting a bit long. Anyway, after her recommendation, two weeks later (Feb. 7th), and 16 weeks pregnant, I was in surgery. Could this really be happening? Dr.s weren’t sure if it was cancerous, so they would perform a biopsy while I was still “open”…if it was, a more extensive procedure would need to be done (like the removal of some lymph nodes, etc.). Again, long story short, the surgery went very well and the tumor (teratoma/dermoid) was NOT cancerous! I’m so thankful! I still begin every day thanking God He spared us this “trial.” The day after my surgery, Christian got very…very sick. So, he locked himself in our bedroom upstairs, my mom kept/watched Claudia downstairs (all without Claudia even knowing he was there…if she had known, there would be NO way to keep her away!) And my gracious sister, Jenny, took off work and stayed with me in the hospital down in Indy for the next two days. Did I mention how much I love and appreciate my family?!?! And nobody other than Christian got sick…ANOTHER miracle!

And then…a week and a half after my surgery, Claudia got a very high fever again. It started out Sat. afternoon and by the time we went to bed that night she really wasn’t acting right. We debated for several hours, along with our dr., whether or not to take her in to the hospital, but decided to just keep Tylenol in her and go in the morning if it wasn’t better. She was acting so lethargic that I stayed up all night watching her. By 6am the next morning, her fever was worse and she wasn’t responding right. And then the “distant” stares began…and we knew what was next…she started to seize. I called 911…and went into a full panic. She appeared to have several seizures because she would become a bit responsive and then the twitching and drueling would pick up and she would become unresponsive again. I have no clue how long the whole ordeal lasted. I’m sure it was minutes even though it felt like hours. I called 911 twice because I thought it was taking so long for the EMS to get to our house. By the time they got here, she was finished. We refused service because the absolute LAST thing we wanted was for her to be taken to our local hospital (I’ll save that for another post), we needed to get her to Lutheran. So we jumped in the truck and flew, literally, there. Once there, they determined her seizures were probably feberial (when a child spikes a high fever) and she tested positive for influenza. Dr.’s wanted her in the hospital for a few days of observation and discussed possible seizure tests and med’s. We decided we would discuss further testing if and when she had another one. We were home by Mon. Whew...When is this going to end, Lord?! As Christian always reminds me, "Relax, Sarah, God isn't going to give us more than we can handle."

So…life continues to be, um, exciting? No, just interesting, I suppose! It seems as though often, I only share all the negative/crisis events of our life and not enough of the many, many blessings and daily joys the Lord showers upon us. Yeah, it often seems like God is constantly pushing us to the limit of what we can handle, but He always gives us the strength we need and as I reflect, realize how much He has drawn us all so much closer to Him through it all. And in the end, I wouldn’t trade these trials for the relationship that I am gaining with my Savior. God is good…ALL THE TIME!

I have so much more to share, but this update is becoming a bit lengthy and truthfully, Claudia is crying in the background, needing my attention, so I will have to close with a favor, once again, to ask of you all…

Monday, March 19th is Claudia’s next MRI. Dr.’s are reminding us that if the chemo was keeping her tumor from growing, it may be beginning to grow again and will be apparent by this MRI. Please pray for good results. My deepest prayer is always that the dr.’s will come back with puzzled looks, wandering how the tumor has disappeared…in fact, I dream about what I’m going to say someday when they try to explain it away with some medical explanation…I think I will just politely interrupt and explain away God’s power and His ability to perform MIRACLES! Oh…I get carried away and excited just thinking about it! I pray this will be part of my next post after her MRI!!!

I’ll leave you with some recent photos…and next post, I promise to share much more of the positives that are happening in our lives. Until then…God bless each of you.

Opening Christmas gifts (and getting some help!)

Enjoying the snow with daddy! (Somebody tell that Florida boy we make snowmen on the ground...and a lot bigger than that!!!!)This next series of pictures were taken the day we took all the Christmas decor down. In the process of getting the boxes from the basement, Claudia found the Halloween stuff and decided she wanted to wear her ladybug costume. She put it on all by herself and surprised us...even the antennas! I still can't stop laughing when I look at these pictures. It made the project so much more fun...I think I laughed the entire time!

And FYI...she only broke 6 ornaments that day (said with sarcasm)!

There...those antennas were cutting into her face a bit...
...but, oh no, they must be the other way, mommy. And here, let me take down the stocking (or boot, as she called it) along with the entire string of decorated garland
She loved playing with the manger scene so much, we actually left it out for another week or so...the truth is, it would keep her occupied for LONG periods of time...like long enough to get dinner made!!!

The other day we were watching a movie with a nun and she says to me, "Mommy, look, its Mary!" At first I had no clue why she was saying that, eventually I got it and laughed so hard!

The other day she found my make-up...just so happened it was my bronzing powder. So much for discipling her...I couldn't stop laughing...and taking pictures... Talking to daddy. I didn't even mention it, but since Dec., or so, we've been seeing Christian only on the weekends (his sales season was especially busy this year...but ends March 15...YEAH!!!), so talking to daddy is very special. This day she figured out she could use both phones and it would sound so neat!
What can I say...the girl LOVES her boots. She wears them all day, every day. The first thing we do each morning is find the boots. Needless to say, I have some pretty funny pictures of her in her boots to remind us how "treasured" they were! (Hopefully this obsession will end before summer?!)
Look! My hair is growing...I can even wear a barette now!

PLEASE PRAY...

2006-12-10T19:31:00.000-08:00

Here we are again…Claudia has her next MRI this Tues, Dec. 12th. We probably won’t know the actual results until the 13th (Long story, but now that we’re with Riley, the student dr.’s have to read them first and by the time the “real” dr. reads them, our clinic dr.’s have all gone home…yeah, I know, its pure torture waiting for results...I can't stand it.) This will be her first MRI since she has finished her chemo. (Please calm my heart, Lord, for even writing this forms a knot in my stomach.) Which by the way, her last round of oral chemo went…ok. The first night she threw up so much that there’s absolutely no way she kept any of it down, but the next three nights went ok. Because someday I want her to see everything she has had to endure and how BRAVE she has been, I video-taped her last night of oral chemo. I cried the entire time. Partly because its STILL so hard to watch her go through it (I can honestly say, it never got better, it was just as hard each time…maybe even harder near the end because she could talk more and would beg, “Please mommy, no, help me.”) and partly because I want SO bad for this to be the last of this nightmare. So the chemo is officially over. Forever. I am choosing to believe in God’s healing power!

Because we got behind with the chemo, we celebrated Claudia’s birthday a little late. It was just immediate family because her counts were still pretty low. She’s obsessed with Elmo and the whole Sesame Street gang right now so that was the theme. I went to the cake shop purely to find the characters to put on a plain sheet cake, and what did I find….an Elmo cake pan that I could rent for a couple of bucks…so she had 2 cakes this year! It turned out ok…mainly, Claudia LOVED it…and that’s all that matters! Her party was so fun. Elmo must be as popular in everybody else’s house as he is in our’s because it was very easy to find every kind of Elmo party supply possible (and, of course, I went way overboard!). I did all the decorating and put all the presents out while she was taking her nap (mainly because she found a couple presents a few days earlier and absolutely could not resist…she woke up one morning, unwrapped them all and then hid them! Little stinker!) so when she came down the stairs she literally starting screaming, hitting herself, turning in circles, etc. she was SO excited! I wish I had gotten it on video…it was hilarious! I had no idea she would be THAT excited! I love that girl so much! So my baby girl is now officially 3! How can that be?!?!?

Opening presents...with the help of cousins Kyle and Lynae, of course!

Before we eat my hours of work!!!

Blowing out the candles. Can you tell she put them in all by herself?!

And now for cake #2. She got a hold of this one the night before...I guess she thought she would help stick the figures in deeper than what they were...took a pretty big chunk out of the front (which you conveniently can't see!)

We were only allowed to lick the WHITE icing candles!!!

For hours after everyone left we rode her new wagon around the house...with the new baby, of course. Grandma got her a doll that cries, drinks her bottle, burps, goes potty...basically everything, and she LOVES it!

So please pray with us for Dec. 12th, that her results would be tumor free! THANK YOU. We love you all and will definitely keep you updated. Until then...

Better late than never, I suppose!

2006-12-03T19:56:00.000-08:00

NOTE: This was written about 4 weeks ago...I'm just now getting my computer to work. Unfortunately I couldn't get even half of the pictures that were originally linked to this post to download (sometimes I HATE computers!!!!). Oh well...

Finally…a quiet moment to myself. Claudia finally went down for her nap, and I just got off the phone with the pharmacist…I just called in her last dose of chemotherapy. My tears are falling so hard, I can barely see to type. I have so many emotions “flowing” right now…I’m not quite sure which one is making me cry so hard. The past few days, week, month…have seemed so long, and “trying.” I don’t even know where to start.

Sept., we drove up to Clarion North Children’s Cancer Clinic for Claudia’s last dose of IV chemotherapy. I had dreamed (literally) of this day for over 1 ½ yrs. I dreamed of the party we would have…I dreamed about walking away that last time, feeling “victory.” It wasn’t anything like my dreams. Claudia wouldn’t sleep the night before, so after approximately 1 ½ hrs, we decided to just get in the car and go…Christian and I both sick…I, sick enough, I was wearing a mask to try and protect Claudia as much as possible. (You know you’re sick when the dr.’s and nurses tell you that you don’t look good or simply ask, “are you feeling ok?” Yeah, that’s how bad I felt.) I almost didn’t go, because I didn’t want to even possibly infect any of the other sick children at the clinic, but I knew Claudia needed me badly, so they kept us in a hospital room until all the other patients had left. After speaking with the dr., we felt so discouraged. She basically prepared us for the fact that the tumor will likely start growing again after her chemo is finished. She decided that WHEN (her exact word) that happens, we will have to radiate her. My heart dropped. We took a bunch of pictures and tried to act happy that this was our last treatment…whatever that means. I think I cried the entire way home. Today was supposed to be a day of “victory”…not more defeat. I know God knew my pain…and felt each of my tears because when we were driving home, I was on the phone with my mom, telling her how the day went, what the dr. said, and expressing my heartache…when I looked up to see the most beautiful rainbow. I got off the phone with my mom, opened the window and let the cold air hit my face as I just marveled at this beautiful sign of God’s promise. He gave us this beautiful reminder of His promise never to flood the earth again, but that day, He gave it to me to remind me of ALL of His promises. His promises that He is in control…He hasn’t forgot about us…He knows what He is doing…that these “tears of pain” will someday produce “tears of joy.” Although I still felt this heartache, I felt a new sense of peace…and even a tiny glimpse of joy.

Claudia turns 3 on Friday! Its hard to comprehend everything her little life has endured in these past 3 years. She knows no other life than that of needles, pain, hospitals…and yet she’s such a testament of God’s goodness and faithfulness. I don’t know how its possible, but I love her so much more with each and every birthday. Yep…I’m a very proud mamma…and I love my baby so much. She has been obsessed with Sesame Street lately so this will definitely be her birthday theme this year. Every time I ask her what kind of birthday cake she wants, she adds another Sesame Street character to the list. Today when asked she said, Elmo (her favorite), Big Bird, Grover…and today she added Cookie Monster. Not quite sure how I’m going to do it yet. The CRAZY, but creative side of me wants to make a little cake of each character…the sane side of me wants to make a plain white cake and buy all of these characters to put on it! We’ll see. I have some extra time because she’ll actually be on chemo this next week so we won’t celebrate until she’s feeling better. I know she doesn’t know any different but for some reason its sad to me…we’ve never been able to celebrate her birthday on the actual day because of this stupid tumor. Her first birthday, she was still recovering from the surgery, her last birthday she was sick from the chemo, and now this one. Here’s to praying her fourth will be right on the special day…healthy and HEALED!!!

There’s far to much to update you all in one e-mail for let me just tell you about the events of the last few weeks…
Christian had a farm show in Georgia 2 weekends ago, and because it was only a few hours from his parents, we all decided to go! We got Claudia’s blood counts checked the day before we left and they looked ok…not great, but good enough to go. So we did. Because both of Christian’s brothers (both from Indiana) were in Pensacola visiting, we decided to get a cabin (for them) and campsite (for us) at this awesome little campsite in Navarre, FL right on the beach. It was beautiful…and it was a blast! God truly blessed us with beautiful weather and a wonderful time. I’ll let the pictures below tell most of the story from our mini vacation…

Uncle Nate (Christian's older brother), Aunt Olivia (his wife) and Abraham (their youngest) all playing out on the end of the pier. The guys loved the fishing from this dock!

Christian after a "rough" evening of fishing walking to our RV. You can see the beach and cabin in the background.

Olivia, Christian's mom (Carla), me and the kiddos playing in the sand...probably watching a sunset- they were BEAUTIFUL!

Hanging out on the beach. (Unfortunately, I couldn't get any of the other super cute photos to upload...like Claudia feeding the birds, flying her kite, etc... Darn!)

By Monday, both of the brothers had left and Christian had left for the farm show so it was just me, Claudia, Ma and Pa (as Claudia says) for the next four days. It also was a fun, relaxed time.

Claudia picking an orange from Ma and Pa's trees...not quite ripe yet. Pa says by Thanksgiving!

Christian's parents live about 3 minutes walking distance from an awesome little neighborhood park. She loved it! So here's a picture from one our daily (sometimes hourly) walk to the park!

Here's Claudia helping carve our jack-o-lantern. It was quite hilarious...she wanted SO bad to help by sticking her hands in the inside...that is, until she actually did it. She HATED it! She just might be a little girlie-girl!

Sooooo…here’s where things got a little, um, exciting (because we can’t just do anything normal). We got up early Friday, packed and were ready to leave. We always let Claudia sleep until its time to go, so as we’re saying our good-bye’s, Christian wakes up Claudia and brings her to me, telling me he doesn’t think she’s acting quite right. As soon as he hands her to me, I could tell right away that she had a fever…it was 103.7 degrees. FYI, anything above 101 is an immediate call to the dr. So, we called our dr.s in Indy…they said get her in to see the dr. ASAP. To make a very long, confusing story short, we weren’t about to go sit in some ER for hours, so our dr. called down to a pediatric cancer clinic and got us in right away. This was heaven sent. The dr’s and nurses from this clinic were excellent. After examining her and getting her blood drawn, the dr. wanted her admitted immediately…her temperature was still at a dangerous level, she was acting VERY lethargic and the blood test couldn’t determine if she was suffering from a viral or bacterial infection. (Because Claudia has a port-a-cath inside of her, with a tube leading straight to her heart, it is very dangerous if this unit becomes infected with a bacterial infection – it could easily go straight to her heart and kill her.) So, she was immediately admitted and was given multiple antibiotics via IV. And then one of the scariest moments of my entire life happened…after a few hours in the hospital, they couldn’t seem to get her temperature down. She began acting more and more sick. She had had chills all morning long, but she began jerking and we knew it was more than the chills we had seen all morning. Christian began yelling her name, trying to get her to respond….nothing. Her eyes (or eye, because the one doesn’t move) rolled back into her head and the saliva was pouring out of her mouth. Something was terribly wrong. I ran down to the nurses station, yelling for help. Christian picked her up…she was stiff as a board and not responding. Within minutes, we had a team of about 10 dr’s and nurses working on her. The whole thing probably lasted a few minutes but it felt like hours. I just remember crying hysterically and asking what was happening. The nurses tried to calm us. Christian hardly ever cries…he had tears streaming down his face. I just couldn’t believe this was happening…again. We later learned that it was a feberial seizure. I guess this can happen when a child’s fever spikes real high. She was hooked up to heart and O2 monitors and we were transferred to a “higher stat room” which basically means it was across from the nurses station, so they could keep a more intense watch on her. As most of you know, seizures to us, mean lots of meds that make her aloof and are a result of potential brain problems….SCARY and NOT WHAT WE WANT! Christian’s parents called their pastor, and within minutes (literally), he along with another couple from the church were in our room to pray with us. This was such an encouragement and a reminder of how awesome it is to be a part of the family of God. I know God heard our prayers…and chose to answer yes this time. Long story short, she never had another seizure and by 10 or so that night, her fever had broken and she was feeling 110% better. She was still, obviously, sick, but feeling much better. By, Sunday, it was confirmed that she did not have a bacterial infection in her port and that it must have been viral. She was feeling so much better and begging to, “go home”...as were we all!

So, we made it! God just keeps giving us enough strength and patience to get through each new passing day! Never a dull moment...NEVER!

Bittersweet...

2006-09-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

Ok...A VERY QUICK UPDATE...

Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

The good news...THE TUMOR IS NOT GROWING!!!! YEAH...Praise God! The tumor is exactly the same as it always has been...no bigger, no smaller...which leads me to the bad news. The tumor is not shrinking or in any way (at this point) being affected by the chemo. Although this is not exactly what we wanted to hear, we're just trying our best to celebrate in the good news. Afterall, it is possible that this tumor will never, ever grow again. Yes, of course we would love for this thing to shrivel up and die, never having to worry about it again, but God has chosen not to allow this to happen...yet!!!! I say yet, because we refuse to become discouraged, or lose hope that this could, and will, still happen! We remain to stay focused on the Great Healer...NOT on all the circumstances, or doctors reports, surrounding us. Besides...our fervent prayer remains to be, "Please heal her, Lord, however you choose!" This could mean he chooses to heal her by never allowing the tumor to grow again!

Anyway, I just wanted to update you on the results. I do promise that updating this site is #1 on my "to do" list for Monday, so stay tuned! Until then, I just want to thank all of you again (and again, and again....) for your many prayers, cards, phone calls, e-mails...EVERYTHING! We are so thankful for all of you. Much love to you all!

Looking for better day tomorrow...

2006-09-07T14:28:00.000-07:00

Ok...I'm going to be honest...today was pretty rough. I could give you all the details of the day and keep you waiting, but BECAUSE I HATE THAT MYSELF, I'll get straight to the point...we know nothing yet and won't know results from the MRI until tomorrow. AHHHHH!!! Maybe God's just giving us time to get our chocolate...let me explain.

Here's how today went...Claudia is currently not sleeping through the night and so we had a hard time deciding whether or not to stay overnight in Indy the night before because she sleeps even less in a hotel...its "too exciting," new, etc. (There's many other reasons we decided against it this time, but will explain later.) So, long story short, we decided to drive down this morning. Bad decision. We got her to bed EARLY last night and still only got 2 1/2 hrs. of sleep...but we were there right on time (which is rare for us!)...only to find out that the MRI machine was broken! Nurses said it could be a wait of anywhere from 1 to 4 HOURS! So we waited...and waited...and, well, this was getting rough for a little girl who does't understand why she can't eat or drink. So after an hour or so, we ended up walking over to the cancer clinic and they decided to hook her up and give her chemo before the results. (Hope she needed it...well, actually I don't, but you know what I mean.) And remember...still not allowed to have any food or drink. So FINALLY, they got the MRI machine up and going. She hates these procedures but this time, she really got upset. She went to sleep screaming...and woke up screaming. SO HARD on my heart. And to top it off, because it was so late, there was no tech to read the results...meaning we have to wait until tomorrow. THIS IS TORTURE! Waiting for results is the absolute worst.

So what's this have to do with chocolate? I can't even count how many times we've been stuck in limbo waiting for results of all kinds and so we started a little tradition two years ago...we buy chocolate for these days we find out some kind of results to "celebrate" the good news afterwards (like days of MRI's, etc.)! Just a way to stay positive, I guess! Well, for the first time today, we forgot to get our chocolate! So maybe this is God's sense of humor...knowing we're going to get good news...we need our chocolate!!!! Ok, that's probably stretching it but, hey, let's stay positive, right?! Why do I have this feeling its going to be a very long night???

I will give you all an update as soon as we find anything out. Until then, just waiting...and praying...and hoping...and beliving for the best! Thanks again for all of your prayers! We covet them!

Big day coming up...SEPTEMBER 7th

2006-09-05T22:30:00.000-07:00

Oh my! Its been waaaay too long. I think I start every blog out by apologizing for it taking so long to update...this one's going to be no different. Sorry everyone!

I've got so much to update and pictures to share...BUT...its been really crazy around here and I honestly don't have the time right now (which I promise to explain why later), but we have a very big day this Thurs. and I, once again, am petitioning for your prayers on Claudia's behalf.

She has another MRI this Thurs., Sept.7. Our utmost prayer is that the tumor is not growing. However, IF (and the dr's emphasize IF), this MRI looks good ("good" to the dr's being no tumor growth), this could be our last round (which is 10 weeks) of chemo!!!! And although we would be absolutely ecstatic for a report of no tumor growth, we are hoping and earnestly praying that this MRI would show that the chemo is actually "affecting", or in other words, killing the tumor. Even though this is a distant possibility, its not necessarily what the dr's are expecting, so yes, it would be a miracle....but, yes, I also believe and trust in a God that performs miracles! Furthermore, if the chemo shows no effect on the tumor by this MRI, most likely, the chemo hasn't done anything at all (this type of tumor has no pattern of growth, so its very possible that the tumor has just stopped growing for now...having nothing to do with the chemo). Due to the nature of this tumor, and if this is the case (tumor not effected), the future course of treatment will be extremely hard for the dr's to prescribe (like further chemo treatment, how frequent she will need MRI's, future radiation, etc). I hope this explanation was not too confusing...and btw, feel free to e-mail me with any questions you may ever have at sarahekessler@yahoo.com .

So anyway, we would be indebted to you if you would please join us in asking God for a miracle...HE IS ABLE...MORE THAN ABLE!!!!

Thank you sooooo much for your prayers and encouragement...they just mean more than words could possibly express. And I PROMISE, I will give an update ASAP!!!!

(And even despite my lack of time at the moment, I just can't leave you without a picture...or two of my "bald beauty"...and isn't she that...SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!)

This is her new, "you-can't-make-me-smile," look!

(From our trip in Michigan...which I will tell you all about next time!)

Good MRI Results

2006-07-05T20:52:00.000-07:00

As Christian and I were talking tonight, remembering what we were doing and where we were a week ago today, I remembered I never updated our site about the results of her last MRI…oops! Sorry everyone!

Last Wed.’s (June 29th) MRI results were good. The tumor is not growing. YEAH! And yet, I can’t seem to kick these mixed emotions…amidst the excitement of this news is a bit of disappointment in that we were really hoping and praying for some “shrinkage” this time. (Dr.’s said if its going to shrink it would have shown up on this scan.) But its ok. God doesn’t have to work within the Dr.’s time frame of knowledge…and I suppose it will just be that much more of a miracle when “it” all happens, right?!? Right. I’m really working on trying to be content and at complete peace with God’s answers and/or timing to my pleading prayers…and learning how to turn my heart’s anxiety into “It is well.” But it ain’t easy, and weeks like this remind me why…

The trip to Indy was…ok. We left so late Wed. night that we didn’t have too much time to kill in the hotel, and that’s a good thing. The next morning went fairly smooth as well. We didn’t have to wait as long as usual for her MRI and because her port was already accessed, they could put her to sleep using her port which is much more…easy and nice and…less traumatic for all of us. We also had a very good anesthesiologist because she woke up without too many tears this time. Not having a whole lot more to report on about our trip this time is also a good thing…boring = good!!!

This week has been rough. The side effects of the chemo are really starting to hit hard. She got the two chemo drugs Thurs. and they caused some MAJOR constipation. Again, because of the communication barrier (that is definitely getting much better…she’s really beginning to talk a lot!), we’re never quite sure just everything that is going on inside of her, but by Sat. night she was really beginning to cry a lot. Sunday and Monday she cried and wanted to be held ALL DAY. Her entire body would shake and she cried hysterically anytime we would pick her up or move her. She just kept saying, “My tummy hurt. Help me mommy.” (Man, I can’t even write this without tears…shouldn’t I be used to this by now? What is it about your child begging you to help them, only to be completely helpless that just shoots a pain right though your heart?) After several calls to the doc and with the help of some medicine, by Tues., she passed several big “loads” and was feeling so much better. Of course, through all of this, she got her days and nights mixed up again. Sleep deprivation (something I wish there was a pill for!!!!) just seems to put this irritable edge on everything. And because of some previous medical issues, I (Sarah) have to have my sleep or it actually can throw me into a downward medical spiral. Soooo…by 5 or 6 in the morning…without a single minute of sleep, her mini video becomes our best friend and “babysitter!” (Just a funny thought...Before having Claudia, I couldn’t fall sleep unless it was completely silent and completely dark, and now…hey, all I need is a surface I can lay on, hard or soft, it doesn’t matter…lights and noise definitely don’t matter…and I think that I must dream along with her videos because I find myself subconsciencely waking up to put another DVD in when one has finished! Before children, nobody tells you about these "side effects" of motherhood!!!) And if you can picture this…last night (around 3 am) she was feeling much better, not even remotely tired, and jumping on our bed…Christian and I just laying there dying to be sleeping, moving with every bounce, and Christian (half asleep and eyes closed) says to me in a complete monotone voice, “I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m actually really happy right now…Claudia is feeling so much better.” Funny how I was thinking the exact same thing! I guess its all about our new set of “normals” I was talking about in the previous post!

Anyway, on a more positive note, Claudia was feeling much better by Tues. and so we were able to have a very enjoyable 4th of July! I just realized that I haven’t downloaded any pictures from our camera for some time so I’ll just wait and tell you all about the 4th’s festivities later! Her counts look really good from her blood draw today…actually quite surprising…despite her chemo, they’ve gone UP! Crazy! So we’re off to Indy tomorrow morning for another round of chemo. This time, I promise I’ll update much sooner on how everything went. Until then….here's only a couple of pictures.

Clauida LOVES playing in the RV. In fact, the only way to get her out of the pool without crying is to say, "Want to go get into the camper?" She calls it the "pamper!"

We made the BIG mistake of showing Claudia the nest with baby birds on our gutter out back...she now throws a temper tantrum everytime she walks by them b/c she wants to see the "baby birz." Oh how I love the terrible two's!!! And I'll leave you with Claudia's "funny comment of the day." We were at my parent's house tonight and after a huge bowl of icecream, she says to my mom, "Gandma, I NEED more i-ceam!" This is the first time she has ever said the word need! We all laughed. (Guess you just had to be there!)

Big day coming up....JUNE 29th

2006-06-21T19:04:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! OK...this is getting pathetic. AGAIN, I'm so sorry that it has been so long! There's so much going on! Even though life has begun to "slow down" a bit, its still a little hectic...but that's ok, it keeps our minds busy, not allowing us to dwell on other "things"...if you know what I mean.

Well, we've been spending LOTS of time with the NEW cousins!!! The twins, Wyatt & Whitney are doing so well...A LOT OF WORK...but doing well. Every morning I call Kim to see how the night went, and she says, "Great...I'm just waiting for these newborns to "wake up," but until then, I'm just going to thank God for another good day!" Its hard to believe, but these two twins are actually EASIER (A LOT) than her first child, Lynae (but that's another story I suppose...she was extremely, um...high maintenance), or maybe its not the babies, just Kim...she's becoming the baby expert! If it takes 4 kiddos and a set a twins to become an "expert," ummm, I think I'll settle for my inexperienced status!!! (Can you hear me laughing?!?!?!) Of course there's plenty of pictures below showing off these beautiful babies!

Also, last post I promised an update on Jenny's wedding but we're still waiting for pictures (its so much easier to tell a story with pictures, don't you think?!?!)...I did not get a single picture of Jenny in her dress! Christian got a few of the kiddos but thats it! Oh well, when I get them I'll share them with you...until then, I'll just say it was beautiful...very God-honoring...perfect! Of course there were a few "glitches" along the way, but overall it really was a beautiful day! Claudia was well enough to walk down the aisle and she and Kyle did a perfect job of ringing the bells...actually, Kyle literally pulled her down the aisle, but it was so cute! I PROMISE I will give the full story when we get the pictures!

We came home from the wedding to have to give Claudia her chemo that night, and it went as expected...she threw up all night. However, she did much better the next few nights and we were able to get a little more sleep. Her body bounced back very quickly this time and her blood counts looked very good last week...so good she didn't even have to get them checked this week! YEA!!!!

Ok...allow me to be "real" for a minute... Will somebody please kill this sick feeling in my stomach? I'll never ever forget the feeling I felt as our dr. told us Claudia had a brain tumor - I was instantly overcome with this overwhelming, awful sick feeling...I just had no idea that 2 years later, this same feeling would still be making its home in my stomach. Its definitely worse on some days, like when we get close to another MRI (which is the case now...JUNE 29th!!!!) but there are some days I really get sick of the daily tears...the YEARN for this storm to calm just seems to becoming more intense. I long for the "normal" worries I hear all of my peers talk about..like being so "busy" from their social schedule and running their kids around (I can't even take mine to the park) or like how to deal with their kid crying in the nursery, or how to get them to eat more vegetables, or you know. I just want the "normal" emotions associated with a parent/child relationship. This past Sunday I was again reminded how different my "normals" are. The special music at church for Father's Day was a beautiful song about giving our children wings so that one day they will be able to fly away, and how happy, yet sad that will be. As the tears fell from my face, I realized everyone else around me was also crying...but they were crying because this bittersweet day will come too soon...me, I wept, praying that the Lord would allow my child to make it to this point in her life...that she would be here on earth, healthy enough to "fly away" from my arms. I guess I need to be more like my sister and try not to look so far ahead...to just be thankful for another good day that God has given us. And that is one thing this crisis has taught me...I definitely don't fret over the little things. I don't care if my house is not spotless, or has a few dishes still on the counter...or if Claudia smears my windows and mirrors with her fingerprints (in fact, there's one handprint on our foyer mirror I refuse to clean...every week I clean around it...its too precious to me and I want it there forever!)...or if we get to bed a little late because we're all on the couch singing to her videos...or if we have to grab fast food for dinner because Claudia and I spent extra time together in the pool...or if I don't get a shower until her nap later that day because we've sat on the couch all morning doing puzzles...I DON'T CARE!!!! And I'm not afraid to say no to others because there's not enough hours in the day to do everything for everyone else AND love on my little girl. I'm thankful I'm learning these lessons early in life and not when I'm older and only able to reflect on what I would've done different, wishing I would not have wasted so much time worrying about the "little" things of life.

ANYWAY... (Thank you. Sometimes it just feels good to let all these emotions run free.) We have a very big week next week. We will leave Wed. for Indy and stay the night for her early MRI on Thurs. morning, June 29th. If the tumor is not growing, we will begin another round of chemo later that day. Since I'm all about "being honest" this post, I'll just say this MRI has my stomach in knots. This will be the first MRI since her last scare of thinking the tumor was growing. This MRI will give us a better idea if it was truly growing (which is VERY bad b/c the chemo would be in vain). Also, if the tumor is going to shrink, it will show up on this MRI...and even though this isn't the dr's goal of the chemo (the goal is to keep the tumor from growing until she is older to take radiation), IT MOST DEFINITELY IS OURS!!!!! I've been praying so intensely for a miracle next Thurs., - that the dr's would be AMAZED that the tumor is GONE! Only our God could do that...and I believe HE IS ABLE! Please pray...from a begging mother with a broken heart, I plead for your prayers...I covet them. Thank you.

And here's some pictures of our recent events...

A more recent picture of Wyatt...isn't he adorable?! And this is a pretty good example of his little personality...calm, peaceful and a great little sleeper (most of the time)!

(BTW...he's definitely got the whole "sucking reflex" thing figured out and is a great little nurser!)

Whitney...isn't she beautiful?! Kim calls her "her little alarm clock!" She lets everyone know when its mealtime and is pretty impatient when its time! They (Whitney and Wyatt) always sleep together and its so cute how Whitney always has to be touching Wyatt...she's so much more "active" than he and she'll make all kinds of noises, hit him, lay her arm across his face and he just snoozes away...wander how long that will last!!!

Welcome home Whitney and Wyatt!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

What a great daddy!

I love this picture...My Grandpa Kessler holding his great grandson...what a Father's Day!

Notice the shirt...

And who needs hair to be the absolute most adorable little girl in the whole world?!?!
("Hair is so over-rated! In fact, Daddy said he's going to shave his head so we can look alike...another reason why he's the best dad in the whole world!") We love you all and will keep you updated on all the events of next week. And from the bottom or our hearts, thank you for your prayers!

They're here!!!

2006-06-09T06:27:00.000-07:00

THE TWINS ARE HERE!!! This post is for my (Sarah's) family in Missouri, Kansas, Arizona and Michigan who are dying to see pictures and requested I get these up ASAP!!!

Kim had a cesarean section yesterday around 2pm...and she did great! (In fact she's already been up and sitting in a rocking chair...that's really good!) So here's mama with her newest little ones. I just can't believe both of those babies were inside of her! (And because you are probably all wandering...mama says they are SOOOO easy to tell apart!)

So let me introduce to you the newest Dawson's! (These pictures are before they've even been cleaned up!!!)

Whitney Anne

Born at 2:11pm

6lbs. 8oz.

19 inches
She came out crying and is definitely the more fiesty of the two. She also loves to suck her thumb. I guess she had that thumb to her mouth as soon as she came out...even had found it by the time they held her up for Kim!

Wyatt James
Born at 2:12pm
6lbs. 13oz.
20 1/2 inches
Apparently, this little guy was lodged way up, sideways, up by Kim's ribs and really had to be tugged hard to get down! He's not quite figured out how to suck, so please pray he catches on quickly. (Nurses say this is VERY common in the "second twin"?!?!?)

Can you tell them apart yet? Hint, the color of the ball on their hats gives it away!
Whitney is on the left, Wyatt on the right

Claudia CANNOT keep her hands off of them. She had to fight Lynae to hold Whitney the entire time there! In fact, we had to take her from the room twice as she threw temper tantrums from wanting to hold them. We've been waiting for these babies for a long time...in fact, her very first sentence was, "Meme, two babies, out! (She calls Kim, "meme.")
So here she is holding her new cousin, Whitney!

From two kids....to FOUR! (Really, Chris, its not THAT big of a family!)

More pictures of the twins to come!

Also, I'm going to post a big update on how Jenny's wedding and Claudia's last round of chemo went...until then, here's a little sneak peak... And I'll leave you with this last photo...someone's learning how to smile!!!!
I love that girl!

BUSY, BUSY, BUSY...

2006-05-31T23:21:00.000-07:00

WOW! Life is soooooo busy right now! I feel horrible it has been so long since our last update. Its 4:00 in the morning and Claudia has finally gone to bed and its the first "quiet" moment I've had all day, (and probably all week for that matter) so this one is going to be brief, but so many have asked how Claudia is doing and what's going on that I just wanted to get something out to you all....let me explain why its been so busy...

My sister, Jenny is getting married this Saturday - June 3 (I am doing the flowers, favors, programs, bows...basically everything for her wedding.). My other sister, Kim, is pregnant with twins and due any time. If she hasn't had them (a boy and a girl) by this Wed., she is having a c-section on Thurs. (June 8). She has been extremely uncomfortable and been told by dr's that she really should be off of her feet and laying down at least 6 hrs. a day if she wants to keep those babies in...yeah right!!! Try doing that with a 5 and (VERY ACTIVE) 3 yr. old. Sooooo, that means I have been helping out as much as possible....making supper, etc... On top of these two things, 2 weeks ago, my grandma was rushed to the ER and ended up having to undergo an emergency surgery on her colon. (And my dad, her son, was in Europe on a missions trip with his basketball team!) I will give more details later, but the surgery went well and she is still recovering (after several complications) under nurses' care in a nursing home. She is doing much better but is still fighting an infection in her incision and will have a colostomy for the rest of her life, and is trying to "adjust" to this idea and new lifestyle.

And now that I've just ranted about all of our recent "busy stresses," how's Claudia?!?!?! She's doing well. I'll give much more detail later (I am soooo tired and really should be in bed right now!). Her blood counts have been low the past few weeks which has been really stressful because she is in Jenny's wedding and we want her well (ok, that didn't sound right...that's not the only reason we want her well!). If she gets sick, it means we end up in Indy in the hospital and none of us go to the wedding. We are actually scheduled to start the chemo that we give her at home tomorrow (Thurs) but our dr's are very understanding/sesative and suggested, because of Jenny's wedding, that we wait until Sat. to start giving it to her. (This one makes her very sick the week we give it to her.) So, looks like we'll have a VERY big day Sat...starting off with the wedding and ending with chemo that night. Normally she throws up with this one the first night so I'm very much dreading that night...will be very exhausting. Claudia has also decided that the 2 weeks of her sleeping through the night was just way too AWESOME, and has gone back to her old schedule of getting up at about 2:00am, ready to play her little heart out all night instead of sleeping. I have no clue why. Dr's have not clue why. Again, we've tried everything. I just don't get it. Please pray she would begin sleeping through the night. This little "problem" is really getting old and exhausting. Did I say we are absolutely EXHAUSTED?!?!

But probably the thing that has stressed me out the most of anything (which is totally pathetic because it is completely cosmetic) is that, about 1 1/2 weeks ago, Claudia lost all of her hair. Dr.'s told us this would happen, but after a yr. of taking this chemo, nothing happened. Dr.'s were amazed and thought Claudia was just going to be one of those "miracle kids." The fact that she lost it really means nothing...other than that her body is reacting normally to the chemo...but WHY, 2 weeks before the wedding????? I would get her up in the morning and she would be covered in hair, and all throughout the day I would pull HUGE clumps off her back, off the couch, everywhere. I cried for almost 3 days straight. It happened so fast. It upset me so bad. And then one day, I was sitting outside while Claudia took her nap, just crying, angry with God, and thought, this is rediculous. Its just HAIR. It will grow back. She's BEAUTIFUL with or without hair. GET OVER IT!!!! She's here. I get to hug her, love her...raise her. I felt such a wave of thankfullness come over me...its as though the Holy Spirit physically wiped the tears from my eyes. I love sensing God's presence in such a powerful way! And yeah, there are times I look at her and feel "sad", but its not because her hair is gone, I think its more because its another reminder of what she's going through...that this nightmere is a reality....that she's fighting for her life.

Thank you all so much for your faithful prayer. I don't think I thank you all enough. It just means so much to us.

And there's no way I could post without any pictures so here we go...

Summer is FINALLY here and Claudia LOVES her bike rides! Doesn't she look so funny...but oh so cute!!!! She's contantly begging daddy to take her on a ride.

Because I've been trying to help Kim with the kids, we've gotten extra play time with the cousins...and believe me, nothing makes Claudia more happy!
I think Clauida would let Lynae pull her on this for HOURS!

Lately Claudia has become so "lovey." And I love it! I'll be reading her a book (or whatever we happen to be doing) and she'll just lean over and give me several kisses...and hugs...and more kisses...and more hugs. So here she is, given daddy kisses!
We've been spending LOTS of time in the pool the past week...and she LOVES it!
Playing with the cousins! (And yes, I know, we're working on getting rid of the dumb pacifier!)
This one is for all of our prayer warriers in Germany! My dad brought this litte German doll back from his trip. And it was so funny, because I told her to hold up her doll and smile for me, well, she just stared at it for a long time, put the hat on her head and smiled this cheesy grin!
Again, thanks for all of your prayers and encouraging words. We love you!

A day in the life of Claudia...

2006-04-27T20:07:00.000-07:00

Life is never dull around this house...that's for sure. Sometimes, it just seems that we can never fully get ahead of the "game." Do you ever feel that way? Just when we get Claudia sleeping through the night (something we haven't experienced for almost 1 1/2 YEARS)...life gets interrupted and we start all over again. One step forward, two back. Anyhow, let me catch you up-to-date...

Chemo (2 times ago - April 20th) went well. However, we were told by the doctors that the side effects would probably begin to be a little more intense after this week (it just takes that long for her little body to begin wearing down)...and they were. It started out with constipation. This is always a tough one to deal with. She can't quite communicate well enough to tell us exactly what the symptoms are she's feeling, but she would begin crying...loud, and point to her stomach. We realized after several days that we hadn't changed a dirty diaper so we put two-and-two together. If you've ever had this problem, you know how painful this can be. We were finally able to "get things moving" after a prescription laxative. She's also begun to act a little more tired...just laying on the couch or wanting to be held. My aching mother's heart reminds me this isn't how a two year old should be spending her day.

To add drama (like we need anymore!), last Monday she woke up with a 102 degree temperature. We have strict orders to call our dr. (specialist/onocologist) if her temp. ever exceeds 101, so after several phone calls and a rising temp (almost 104 degrees!) we were on our way to our local pediatrician. He couldn't seem to find any "sick" symptoms (like runny nose, red throat/ears, etc. - which means she could have had an internal infection, like in her blood or somewhere even more serious) so he sent us over to the local hospital for tests...lots of them. Three different blood tests, 2 X-rays and urine testing, to be exact. I'll spare you most of the details, but let's just say this was the beginning of a nightmare. We tried telling him that we would prefer to drive to Lutheran Hospital in Ft. Wayne because they don't "do" pediatric ports at KCH...he insisted they did. So, by the time we got over to the hospital they had lost our, faxed over, paperwork. This resulted in a 1 1/2 hour wait. When it was finally time to draw blood from her port, we were informed that there was not a single person in the entire hospital qualified to draw blood from a pediatric port. Hmmm... We went ahead and got her x-rays done. Still, nobody to draw blood from her port, so they tried getting blood from her arm. After several unsuccessful pokes they decided they needed to find someone who could access her port. Finally, after several (hours!) and phone calls later, we had a nurse that had been trained in an IV ward (25 years ago) and thought she could do it. Again, I'll spare you the details, but it was a long...did I say LONG?!....long process, but we got it done. The blood work came back ok...still puzzling to the doctors, but to be safe (because she is so high risk) they decided to give her an antibiotic shot (with 5 different antibiotics in it). And because they did not leave her port in, this meant ANOTHER POKE for an exhausted, hysterically crying little girl. I guess this is a pretty serious shot to get because she had to go up to the ICU where they had to monitor her vitals as she received the shot in her leg. Of course, she cried hysterically and at the end of the day, I'm still not sure who cried more...her or ME!!! I was so frustrated, angry, heartbroken... We had left to see the dr. at 3:30pm and were finally leaving for home at 10:30pm! What a day. She continued to have a temp the next day (Tues.) but woke up Wed. perfectly fine...no temp, nothing. This meant we were off to Indy for chemo on Thurs. Our dr. (in Indy) was able to determine from further blood testing that she had caught some kind of viral infection (meaning the shot was useless...oh well, better to be safe than sorry, I guess).

Chemo (April 27th) was also uneventful...everything went well. However, AGAIN, she woke up with a temp this past Friday (102 degrees) which lasted until this morning (Sunday). She seems to be ok today, but hasn't had a dirty diaper yet. I hope this isn't the start of another ordeal with constipation. Please pray. Who knows what tomorrow will hold. I just keep telling myself...one day at a time.

The last time we were in Indy, we took a documentary of photos so you can see what our Thursdays getting chemo are like...

Waiting for our nurse to come get us. "Do we have to go back, Daddy? I love all the toys in the waiting room!" Every week before getting chemo, she gets weighed...

...measured (height)...

...and her blood pressure and temperature are taken.
She used to cry hysterically when they did this, now she just crawls right up in the chair and pulls her pant leg up. She's such a big girl!

This is a good picture of what her port looks like when its "accessed" or has an IV/needle in it.
A nurse comes to our house EVERY Wed. to draw blood to check her counts. On weeks we come to Indy, she leaves the needle in, which saves us a poke when we come for chemo the next day.

After checking her vitals, the nurse draws blood for more testing. When she's just "flushing" her port, she lets Claudia help push the syringe...she LOVES this. We have such a WONDERFUL nurse (Cindy). She is soooo good with kids.

Getting one of her chemo drugs (she gets one real quick...and one over a 2 hr.period).
Look how good she is...she just watches!!!And now she has a 2 hour infusion of chemo...so we wait, and watch videos, and play, and take wagon rides, and...
Her FAVORITE thing to do while waiting is playing with the doll house. As soon as she gets hooked up we run, literally, over to it. It was handmade by a man who spent his whole married life making it, and everything in it (as a hobby) for his wife...when she died, he donated it. It really is neat. This picture doesn't show it's grand size and very intricate detail too well.
And we're all done! She always gets a fun bandaid that she's very proud of!

"Can you tell I'm happy to be in the car and on my way home?!?! I'm so brave. Mommy tells me I'm such a fighter and a pretty special girl."So there you have it...a day in the life of Claudia. Just thought you may what to see what she goes though every Thur. She takes it so well. I am so proud of my little trooper. She actually gets excited when we walk in the hospital...she has no clue. So my prayer is that God will heal her of this tumor and that she will never have to emotionally understand this "journey" she is having to bear. She is such a special little girl.

In closing, I just had to share these last photos & story with you. We had a warm spell last week and got to be outdoors a lot (what a blessing...she LOVES being outside!!!) As I was raking some leaves, she wandered out front and as I came around the corner this is what I saw....
...ALL OF MY BEAUTIFUL TULIPS WERE GONE!!!!! She had gotten to every single one of them! But is was so neat because, as I picked up one of the blooms and held it in my hand, I saw an open tulip, a side of these flowers that I had never seen before...it was so beautiful!!!!

God spoke to me very clearly that day. As I stared at this beautiful flower, I was taken by its beauty and completely forgot that my tulip garden had been destroyed and its as though He audibly whispered in my ear, "Learn to see through the circumstance...He makes all things beautiful in His time." (His promise in Ecclesiastes 3:11) Wow! He gave me that little bit of encouragement and strength I desperately needed. A reminder that regardless of how awful our situation may currently seem...be patient...it will all be beautiful in His perfect time. Thank you, God, for reminding me you are in control...all the time! I pray we will be able to see the beauty in Claudia's pain while still here on earth.

Happy (late) Easter!

2006-04-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

HAPPY EASTER...a little late!!!

We hope all of you had a wonderful, blessed Easter! Every year as I reflect upon the "reason for the Easter season," I'm always left so utterly humbled by what our Lord did for us. The horrific death that He died for each of us...the words to a hymn best express my feelings..."AMAZING love, how can it be, that thou my God would die for me?" Having to watch Claudia go through the painful procedures & treatment for her tumor, I have a new perspective on what this death must have felt to our Heavenly Father...I just can't imagine what He was feeling as He watched His son suffer like that. And thank goodness the story doesn't end there...HE IS RISEN...HE IS RISEN INDEED!!! I love celebrating His resurrection!

Our church has 2 services so Christian and I both were able to go (Claudia can't go because of her deficient immune system). After church we all headed over to my parents house for an awesome (as always) dinner and egg hunt. (And I loooooove Easter dresses, too!!! My mom used to make us all matching dresses!)

Claudia in her Easter dress (Thanks Aunt Tara!)

Claudia with her two cousins, Kyle and Lynae (or to her, Nae-Nae!)

Normally, each year right before dinner, our family takes a big family picture (yep, all of us) on Easter, but somehow, this year the guys escaped this torture and we didn't get to it! Sooo....all these individual pictures will have to do. (Probably why we didn't take a group pic...we took so many individual photos, there was no time!)

Us...The McCrays...
Christian, Claudia and myself!

The Dawsons...
Chris, Kim, Lynae, Kyle, Twin A & Twin B (due in June)
(Kim is my sister...the oldest of us 4 girls)

The (soon to be) Lovettes...
Jarrod and Jenny
(Jenny is my younger (#3) sister...and to be married June 3...the same exact day Kim's twins are due...ahhhhh!!!!)

Miss Janelle! (Or Aunt Nelle to all the nieces & nephew)
My youngest sister. She is a social worker and currently living in Chicago.

Grandma & Grandpa Kessler
My dad's parents. They moved to Warsaw from Missouri a couple of years ago, and we all really love having them so close!

And last but not least, my mom & dad! Somehow I didn't get a pic. of them together so here they are in action...Dad carving the ham (& I think snitching a bite) and mom showing off her Easter tulips. My mom had caterac surgery Monday, and it went VERY well. For the first time in 40-some years, she doesn't need glasses!!!

The four sisters...we take this same exact pose every few years. I wish I had the first one to compare (I think this is the second time Kim has been pregnant in it!!!) And isn't it funny that NONE of us look alike?!?! I promise...we all have the same mom & dad!

After an awesome meal, it was time for the Easter egg hunt! It was a bit chilly outside, so this year we had it indoors. My mom filled 2 huge bags of plastic eggs with everything from chocolate to balloons to stickers to...you name it!!! I think that was the most fun part...finding what was inside. Claudia would fill her basket and when it got full, instead of looking for more she would dump her basket and start all over again (many times over)...needless to say, I think she had the least amount of eggs!!!

What a fun day! I love my family!
Bye bye Grandma!!!

On a different note, Claudia had her weekly blood draw today and everything looks good for chemo tomorrow. Tomorrow starts the first day of Round #5 (of 7...we're getting closer!) So we will be in Indianapolis every Thurs. for the next four weeks. I'll keep you updated.

Bye for now...we love you all.

Florida Pictures (con't.)

2006-04-14T11:14:00.000-07:00

READ BELOW POST ("A VACATION") FIRST!!!!
(Pictures from Florida visit...April 6-11, '06)

Christian & Claudia in front of the RV

...Florida, here we come!!!!

Christian with his mom (and, of course, Pepper!)

Claudia chillen' with "Pa"...Christian's dad

Aunt Donna (Christian's mom's sister) giving Claudia a Cabbage Patch Doll!
Thanks A. Donna...she calls it "Bo"...I think she's trying to say boy!

Christian, Claudia & Danielle (Christian's cousin)

Its a bird, a plane...no...a KITE!!
Claudia's favorite part of the beach was the kite we constantly had flying!
The beach was a bit windy and chilly (why Claudia is dressed this
way!) but soooo beautiful!

Claudia & Mommy (me!)

Catchin' some rays! (Christian, Danielle & Mom)

Claudia was a bit scared of the waves...

...but LOVED the sand...

...and LOVED the birds even more!
(And yes, we just had to feed them...notice everyone around us left,
can't you just feel the bad looks?!?!...sorry!!!)

A great visit with Uncle Greg & Aunt Sheila (Christian's mom's brother & wife)
Thanks for the bunnies A. Sheila!

Four generations of Marlows!
Uncle Greg, Nanny (Christian's mom's mom!), Christian & Claudia

Relaxing in the hot tub!
This was probably Claudia's favorite part of the visit so I had to post this pic!

And we'll end on this "relaxing" note because that is exactly what our little trip to Florida was!!! (We'll post more pictures later! And somehow we got away without taking a single picture of G & G Fitzgerald...bummer!) Thanks Mom & Dad Robinson! We had an excellent time and miss you already!

A VACATION!

2006-04-13T00:02:00.000-07:00

As you can see, I'm not keeping this updated too well, am I?! HOWEVER...I think I have a legit excuse for this past week...we were in FLORIDA!!!

Christian is from Pensacola, FL and we've been trying to figure out when we could possibly make it down again for a visit. With Chrisian's sales season FINALLY over and after finding out Claudia's tumor is not growing and then getting another dose of chemo down, we just wishfully talked about getting away for a visit and a much needed mini vacation but, for the most part, just blew it off. But last Monday (4-3), Chistian began getting very serious about wanting to go...so we decided we would wait and see where her blood counts were on Wed. and talk more seriously about it then. I think God knew how much we needed to get away because Claudia's blood tests came back so good that she almost had the counts of a normal child (which is sooooo good...and rare!). So as soon as we got the results (at about 2 pm) we decided to pack up and go...that night! We were on the road by 7 pm! The trip took about 14 hours. We bought an RV last year (these long trips to Florida being a big factor in this purchase) so it made the trip a LITTLE more easy. But, we were really questioning our decision of leaving that night at about 4 am...everyone exhausted (& grouchy!)...Claudia refusing to sleep even a minute...and still 7 hours to go. But we made it and seeing Christian's family made it all worth it!

We had such a fun visit with Christian's mom and dad (or to Claudia "Ma" and "Pa!"). We were there from Thursday morning to Tuesday morning. We also got to see Christian's Grandma and Grandpa Fitzgerald, Grandma Marlow, Aunt Donna, Uncle Greg, Aunt Sheila and cousin Danielle (which was a really neat surprise...she's in the military, stationed in Germany and was home for a training!) We were supposed to have several days of rain while there but the rain passed over and every single day was beautiful. We went to the beach twice...it was a bit windy/chilly, but beautiful. We couldn't have asked for a better trip. God knew what we needed. As we were driving home through Indianapolis, I got tears in my eyes...instead of living in a hospital in Indianapolis, having to watch Claudia suffer as they give her radiation, God gave us a beautiful vacation to Florida instead. Thank you, God. You meet all of our needs (and sometimes desires!!!)...your mercies truly are new every morning...great is your love for us!

(For some reason, this post wouldn't let me include all the pic's, so I had to create a new post...they're in the one above...so confusing- sorry!)

Another round down!

2006-03-28T11:19:00.000-08:00

Whew!! We got through another dose of the dreaded chemotherapy drug, Temodar...but it wasn't without many tears and sick nights. In finding out the tumor wasn't growing (AMEN!!!!!!), Claudia will continue with her chemo treatment. I never thought I would be praying and hoping for this awful chemo (as opposed to radiation)...and this past weekend, I'm reminded why.

Many have asked, so let me explain her chemotherapy treatment"schedule." Claudia is on 3 different chemotherapy drugs. Two of them are given together and have to be given through an IV in the hospital (Vincristine & Carboplatin...not sure of these spellings) and the third, we give to her orally at home (Temodar). The chemo is given to her in 10 week cycles. Total, there are 7 rounds of these 10 week cycles. The first two drugs are given to her at the beginning of the 10 weeks on Thursdays in Indianapolis, and the last (the oral) is given to her one week straight, at the end of the 10 weeks...and then we start all over again. Each of the drugs has their own list of side effects. The first two seem to have have minor short term side effects. The anti-nausea drugs seem to be working well..at least we think. I wish she could communicate a little better! This is one of the hard parts of dealing with a sick one so little. These two drugs effect her white cell count (immune system) pretty intensely, so we really have to be careful with her during this time. Another side effect from these two...she has no reflexes in her legs and her Achilles tendons are not working properly (affects her walking). These should go back to normal after her chemo is finished. As far as the long term effects (like kidney damage, heart problems, infertility, etc.)...we won't know until later. We're praying so hard against any of these.

The third drug, Temodar is the oral one we just finished up and it makes her very sick. Dr. recommended, we give it to her right before she goes to bed because it makes her very nauseous soon after she takes it, so by doing it this way, it helps that the majority of the bad nausea happens in her sleep...sometimes. This past Thurs. night was the first night (of round 4)and getting it down her is the first challenge. Because she can't swallow the capsule, we have to open it and give it to her with applesauce (why applesauce? I have no clue). And because it is chemo and very toxic, we have to wear gloves and mask, and throw away ANYTHING that comes in contact with it, etc...very scary - and I'm giving this to my daughter???? Getting it down her is pure torture. It obviously has a very bitter taste because she literally gags every time...and she fights..MAJOR!!! So, we have to sit on her, plug her nose, compress her tongue (so she can't spit)...you get the picture. It's awful. Finally, after getting it down her and exhausted from crying, she always goes up and lays with Christian until I finish up things for the night and get ready for bed and then I rock her and put her down. Well, Thurs. night after giving her the chemo, I'm downstairs and I hear, "SAAARRRAAAHHH...HELP!!!" I knew immediately what had happened. Claudia had vomited EVERYWHERE...in OUR BED! Long story short, that was only "round 1" of about 10. Soon after getting her into the bathtub, she threw up again. And as soon as we got her out of the tub and dressed, she threw up again. As soon as we got her changed and more clean clothes on, she threw up again...and again...etc. After a full night of this, by morning, she had nothing else to throw up and was just dry-heaving. She finally fell asleep by 8:30 in the morning. I hope I'm not being too graphic, but this is little Claudia's life. It just breaks my heart to watch her go through this. These are the nights I cry out to God with "WHY???? HOW MUCH MORE CAN WE TAKE?" The following nights with this chemo weren't AS bad. (PTL!) This drug not only makes her very sick, but it really wipes out her body internally as well. It makes her white cell count drop pretty low, but it really effects her red cell count and platelets. In fact, she's had to have a blood transfusion (platelets) because of this drug. So, we'll pray it doesn't have that effect this time. EVERY Wednesday, we have a nurse come to our house to draw blood and check her counts.

She's doing much better today and we're very thankful for that! Just wanted to give you a brief update on how everything's going here. We have a 2 week break before we start the next round of chemo in Indy. Well, they call it a "break", but its actually when her body is trying to re-coop from all this chemo and is usually pretty shot...meaning bad counts, so we really have to be careful with her during this "break" period.

Thanks for your prayers. They're so precious to us. We love you all!

Sensing God's Hand

2006-03-22T20:38:00.000-08:00

(Waiting in hospital to be taken for MRI)

Wow! Where do I begin?!?! Sorry it has taken so long to update you on the events of the past few days. I didn't realize how exhausted and sleep deprived we were until about 10 o'clock last night as I was trying to write this and we all came crashing down from this emotional roller coaster ride, actually "all" referring to Christian and I...Of course, Claudia was wound up ready to play until 4:00 am last night- yes, that's 4:00 in the morning. After her surgery 1 1/2 yrs. ago, Claudia has decided that nights aren't for sleeping anymore. She sleeps a different schedule, literally, every night. I've tried EVERYTHING. I've tried everything from letting her cry (hours!) to putting her on a strict schedule. Nothing works. And to complicate matters, its hard to know if she's crying/fussy because she doesn't feel good (which is VERY possible...talking to patients who are taking her type of chemo say its awful) or if she's just being 2! Needless to say, this sleeping thing is getting pretty old and we always feel tired, and yet I can honestly say that its the least of our worries!

OK, I promised details...lots of detail, so....

Let's begin with Monday - The very powerful day of prayer and fasting. It was from 8 to 5 at our church sanctuary(and in people's homes!). Have you ever felt God's presence so intense that the air almost felt thick? Maybe that sounds weird, but I've never felt God's presence more that that day. A group of amazing, godly men and woman prayed with me, pleading God's promises over our family/this situation and of course, for God to heal my precious baby...HIS baby. It was so much bigger than just a day of prayer for Claudia. People poured in...many I've never even met...most not even attending our church -- all down on their knees, praying. Our phone rang off the hook, the e-mails poured in, all people telling us they were praying. I later learned that word of this day had spread and churches of people across the country were also on their knees praying...from New York City to St. Louis, Missouri (my aunt's church) all the way to Kenya and the CAR, Africa. It was absolutely the most beautiful picture I have ever witnessed of the Body of Christ picking up "wounded" family members and literally carrying them to the cross. There's just no words to describe the gratitude that overflows from my heart. I am so humbled. To all who joined us in prayer that day, thank you. The tears fall from my face because I just can't even find the words to express my love and gratitude for you. So many of you tell me this is "just what the family of God is called to do"...well, I've asked God for special blessings upon each of you...even though I know Heaven will be full of those rewards!!!!! I will tell you in later posts of how God specifically worked in many different ways and lives that day. (A special thank you to Pat Gano for orchestrating the events of this day...I love you)

As we left for Indianapolis that night (we always stay the night at the "hospital hotel" the night before an MRI because Claudia can't have anything to eat or drink before the procedure (they put littles ones her age to sleep for MRI's) and a 2 1/2 hour drive with her begging for a drink is torture..in more ways than one...we only made that mistake once!) I had such a peace that the outcome was in God's hands. And even though my mind reassured me of this peace, my body was overcome with the effects of anxiety including nausea, insomnia, and um...let's just say stomach problems, etc. After anticipating this day for so long, here we were, actually on our way. Needless to say, the drive that night was particularly long...for everyone. Just a sidenote, for those of you that don't know Claudia, she HATES car trips. Minutes after we get her strapped in, she sounds like a broken record crying, "out, out, out, out..." which then quickly turns into full blown crying and tantrums. (I thought car rides were supposed to be "soothing" and make kids fall asleep...oh yeah, I forgot, this is CLAUDIA...nothing is normal!!!) Along with some other behavior we've noticed, we think she is claustrophobic, so being strapped down just doesn't go well. For obvious reasons, this makes our weekly chemo trips to Indy even more stressful! (Thank goodness for mini DVD players...what did they do before them?!?!) Anyway, because we left so late, we didn't get in to the hotel until 12 that night and wouldn't you know Claudia was ready to set the place on fire!!! My parents also drove up to be with us, so after keeping them up for a little while we roamed the hotel hallways. She loves pushing her babydoll in her mini stroller so we walked the halls for the next few hours trying to wear her out. (Aren't you glad you weren't in the hotel with us that night?!?!) And do you think that worked? Nope!!! I know it sounds crazy, but I actually was thankful for the extra time to pray and for something to keep my mind busy...If I hadn't been chasing Claudia, I would probably be laying awake in bed.

Finally, the long awaited, dreaded day came. Unfortunately, Claudia woke up especially "grouchy." As we all know hospitals and dr's offices, we waited 2 hrs. before they actually wheeled her down for the MRI at 12 noon. Thankfully, St. Vincent Hospital is especially "kid friendly" and have many volunteers to help make these kids' experience a little less traumatic. So while we waited, we played with bubbles, took wagon rides, walked the halls and most importantly played with the dogs!!! Yes, you read that correctly! We were fortunate enough to be there when the hospital therapy dogs were paying a visit to pre-op. The fact that her appt. fell during the time these dogs were there is a total "God thing." Again, if you don't know Claudia, she LOVES dogs. When the volunteer walked in with a little white dog and laid it on her bed, I thought Claudia was going to wake the dead with her screams...she was sooo happy! The picture above is not very clear because it was taken with Christian's cell phone, but its the only picture of our day, and those dogs were a vital part in helping us get through it!!! These "waiting" times are absolutely the hardest thing. Waiting in the lobbies of hospitals with a child that has a deficient immune system is absolutely nerve racking. I've become so sensative to germs that I think I could hear someone coughing at least 2 rooms away!!! And try telling a 2 yr. old they can't touch ANYTHING...especially the toys in the dr's office that every sick kid has played with. And even harder, are the "waiting for results " times. The unknowns are so difficult. Waiting...and waiting some more. A verse the Lord has given me and written on my heart that always comes to mind during these times is Psalm 27:13 "Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

Because her port-a-cath didn't have a needle/IV in it this time, they had to put her to sleep with a gas mask...she HATES this. It always tears my heart out when we all have to hold her down until she breaths enough of the gas to put her out...all the while, she's grabbing for me yelling "mama, mama." Once she's asleep, they always let us kiss her good-bye. I can't even write this without crying. I thought after 11 MRI's it would get easier. It doesn't. As I walked down the hall to the waiting room, I could barely see where I was going because of the tears. Its in these moments that I'm reminded how much all of this is out of my control. I'm her mother, I'm supposed to protect her...but I'm completely helpless. It helps to know that when I hand her over to the dr's, God never leaves her. His gentle hands are holding her tighter than mine are even able. What a gentle, comforting God we serve.

The procedure took about 1 1/2 hours. They give us a beeper to go off when they're ready for us and we can go see her. When it goes off, I must look like I'm running a 50 yard dash for an Olympic gold medal as quick as I get to that nurse! Claudia doesn't like anesthesia too well. (Who does?!?) It always seems to take her a day or two to snap out of it. And although she cried quite a bit this time, she actually took it very well and by the time we left recovery and got to the cancer clinic to get the results, she was walking around ready to play! What a huge answer to prayer! Like I said earlier, waiting for the results is absolute TORTURE! The tension in our room while waiting was thick enough you could have cut it with a knife. We've had enough MRI's to know about how long it takes to get the results and so when it was taking especially long, everyone knew this wasn't a good sign. If the tumor was growing, our Dr. would call the radiologist to talk about results and future treatment before talking to us, thus taking much longer. Even our nurse seemed to be extra sensitive to what, we thought, was happening. And then, as I was walking an impatient Claudia, I saw our dr. coming down the hall. She had a funny look on her face. My heart dropped, my stomach was in my throat... all of a sudden, I couldn't move! I'll never forget her words, "Well don't you want to know the results?" (DUH...if you can't tell, I'm holding my breath and if you wait any longer I think I'm gonna pass out!!!!!) "The tumor's not growing. It never did grow, Sarah!" Of course, I ask, "Are you sure?" She says, "yep, I'm sure!" After jumping around and suffocating her with a hug, I ran (yes, ran) to the room to tell everyone! Everyone's eyes instantly filled with tears. PRAISE GOD!! HE ANSWERED OUR PRAYERS!!!

So, the question remains...what happened? The answer, we don't know. Either the tumor has shrunk or the last MRI was inaccurate. The doctors aren't sure. The reason it took so long for us to get the results this time was because the best radiologist in the area was there and wanted to go over every single MRI to compare results. He stands firmly to his professional opinion that the tumor has never grown since the original MRI. Now, my theory...the last MRI's results were no mistake. Whether it grew or not, I don't know, but I do know it was all part of God's sovereign plan to bring His people to thier knees in prayer. That many people, in communion with God was for a purpose...definately not a mistake!

After celebrating with lunch with my parents, its as though God "put the icing on the cake" and Claudia slept the entire way home! (The second best part of the day!!!!)

As I'm sitting here reflecting upon all that has happened these past few days and weeks, I can't help but feel overwhelmed with how we have seen God work and how much we have sensed His hand! And although we have crossed one huge milestone, the journey still remains. We will continue with chemo every Thurs., which is scheduled to last until November. (Which by the way, we are exactly half way done!!!) And we will continue to pray for complete healing...that this tumor would disappear. What we have learned through all of this so far, is life changing. Our lives will never be the same. And although the pain of this journey is sometimes paralyzing, the lessons God has taught me and the person I am becoming because of it, is something that can't be mistaken. GOD IS FAITHFUL. GOD IS GOOD...ALL THE TIME. HE IS ABLE. HE IS BIG ENOUGH. The amount of people that have been impacted and the hearts changed...its all part of the bigger picture. I have numerous stories to tell of how God is working in different people's lives...all because of "Claudia's Journey." Thank you for coming along side us...you mean so much to us.

Jumping for Joy!!!!

2006-03-21T15:43:00.000-08:00

In case you can't tell from this post's title and the pictures above, we got some awesome news today...we are definitley "jumping (and singing and screaming and dancing and...) for joy"...CLAUDIA’S TUMOR IS NOT GROWING!!!!! Praise the Lord!! God has answered our many, many prayers!

We are on our way to my parent’s house for a little party so I will give more detail about the events of today and yesterday's very powerful Day of Prayer (lots & lots of detail!! ) as soon as we get home, but I just wanted to get this out ASAP for all the many people praying and anxiously awaiting today’s results.

A quick recap: The last MRI (February 2) showed that Claudia’s tumor had grown 2mm. Because this is such a small amount, dr’s wanted to start another round of chemo, then recheck it in 6 weeks to, in their words, “confirm” its growth and basically see how fast it was growing. And if it was, in fact, growing we would have to begin radiation immediately…our worst and last option that would lead to many horrible side effects (again, I will give all these details a little later). BUT, GOD ANSWERED OUR PRAYERS!!!!!! The MRI tests showed that the tumor did not grow at all...in fact, it is the same size it has always been. I guess this means that the last MRI /test was either a "mess-up" or the tumor has shrunk...I'll tell you later what I think it was!!!!!! All this to say, WE DON'T REALLY CARE...ALL WE KNOW IS THAT ITS NOT GROWING!!!!!!

I can't wait to fill you in on all the details a little later, but for now, we have some PARTYING TO DO!!!!!!!

Day of Prayer & Fasting for Claudia

2006-03-17T15:38:00.000-08:00

Our church has set up a Day of Prayer and Fasting for Claudia, the day before her MRI (which will determine if the tumor is growing). Here are the details taken from our church website:

Come to a Day of Fasting and Prayer for Claudia McCray
What? Day of Fasting and Prayer
Where? Community Grace Brethren Church Sanctuary
When? Monday, March 20th–8:00-5:00

Claudia is a 2 year old with a brain tumor. She is having an MRI done on Tuesday the 21st of March. If her condition hasn’t improved, then radiation will need to be done immediately. The radiation will cause serious side effects to her skull, causing possible brain damage affecting her development and growth.

Community Grace is having a day of fasting and prayer for Claudia on Monday the 20th. Please join us anytime from 8:00-5:00 in the church sanctuary.

Even if you are unable to come to the church, please consider fasting and praying for Claudia. Her appointment is between 7:00 and 10:00 on Tuesday morning.

909 South Buffalo Street Warsaw, IN 46580 574.269.2443Office@CommunityGrace.org

Claudia's Story

2006-03-17T15:03:00.000-08:00

For those of you that don't know Claudia's Story, here it is...from the beginning.

On September 3, 2004 our lives changed forever. Our 10 month old daughter, Claudia was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Through the advice of many specialists across the country, a team of pediatric surgeons performed a craniotomy and removed the tumor on the day she turned 11 months old. This procedure involved cutting her head from ear to ear and removing a piece of skull from her forehead to get to the tumor. This very intricate surgery, that was scheduled to last four hours lasted nine and didn't go as we had hoped. It revealed that the tumor was much more invasive than originally thought. The tumor had invaded the entire optic nerve, sinus area and even the carotid artery. In removing this artery to her brain, she lost over half of her blood and almost died on the operating table that day. But God decided He wasn't finished with her little life yet. The following month of recovery in the PICU also presented numerous challenges and setbacks including a full day of unexplainable seizures, heart and breathing problems, continued blood loss that required additional transfusions, etc. Yet, with each heart breaking obstacle that satan threw in our paths, God always seemed to fire back with a miracle! Because of the removed artery, doctors told us she would almost positively have a stroke - resulting in the paralysis of half of her body...she never had a single stroke! Doctors also told us she would never open her eye (which is blind) without future surgeries...today it is nearly 2/3's open!
Unfortunately, the story does not end here. We found out in April '05 (follow-up MRI) that the tumor had grown back. Unfortunately, it is growing back in the center of her brain in an area that is inoperable. We were devastated. After sending a piece of the tumor to Johns Hopkins for further evaluation and a month of many doctors/specialists across the country discussing the best course of treatment, on June 2nd, Claudia had a port-a-cath surgically inserted into her chest and began an aggressive chemotherapy treatment plan. Normally, radiation is used on this type of tumor (desmoplastic infantile astrocytoma), but because she is so young, the effects of radiation would be too harsh on her immature and still growing body, so chemo is being used to try and stop the growth of the tumor until she is older and her body is more developed to take this strenuous treatment. The chemo will last 1 ½ years and entails us driving to Indianapolis (St. Vincent Hospital – a 5 hr. round trip drive) every Thursday. Depsite all the horrible side effects of chemo, Claudia is actually taking the chemo very well...much better than doctors had expected.
However, again, an MRI showed in February '06 that the tumor may, in fact, be growing again. This would mean the chemotherapy is not working and leave us with no other option than radiation...the worst and last option. Radiation could have devastating long term, side effects on her brain, skull and pituitary gland. An MRI on March 21st will show whether it is truly growing. Until then, we undergo another round of chemo and are intensely praying this is not the case.

(AVAILABLE FORYOU:We put together a CD - after the surgery, before finding out the tumor had grown back - explaining many of the emotions we felt and specifically telling of how God sustained us through that painful leg of the journey. ALSO...Silveus Insurance Group, Inc. (local insurance agency) so graciously have donated/made available green bracelets (like the Lance Armstong "LIVESTRONG" ones) that say "Praying for Claudia" If you would like one of these CD's and/or bracelets, we would love to send it to you...e-mail your mailing information to sarahekessler@yahoo.com)

Figuring out this "blog" thing!

2006-03-09T21:14:00.000-08:00

McCray Family

Celebrating Claudia's 2nd Birthday

(Many have asked for a family photo...I thought I would put a "fun" one!)

Hey Everyone! Thanks for joining us. This is our very first post, so be patient with us as we figure this whole thing out. I, Sarah, will probably be doing most of the posting and unfortnately, I'm the most computer illiterate, soooooo....please be patient!

We will be using this webpage to keep all the many, many prayer warriors up to date on our "Claudia Journey." Feel free to leave us a message in the "comments" section. We'd love to hear from you. This first blog is just going to be a trial run. So, see you next time!

We love you all!