Big day coming up....JUNE 29th

Hey everyone! OK...this is getting pathetic. AGAIN, I'm so sorry that it has been so long! There's so much going on! Even though life has begun to "slow down" a bit, its still a little hectic...but that's ok, it keeps our minds busy, not allowing us to dwell on other "things"...if you know what I mean.

Well, we've been spending LOTS of time with the NEW cousins!!! The twins, Wyatt & Whitney are doing so well...A LOT OF WORK...but doing well. Every morning I call Kim to see how the night went, and she says, "Great...I'm just waiting for these newborns to "wake up," but until then, I'm just going to thank God for another good day!" Its hard to believe, but these two twins are actually EASIER (A LOT) than her first child, Lynae (but that's another story I suppose...she was extremely, um...high maintenance), or maybe its not the babies, just Kim...she's becoming the baby expert! If it takes 4 kiddos and a set a twins to become an "expert," ummm, I think I'll settle for my inexperienced status!!! (Can you hear me laughing?!?!?!) Of course there's plenty of pictures below showing off these beautiful babies!

Also, last post I promised an update on Jenny's wedding but we're still waiting for pictures (its so much easier to tell a story with pictures, don't you think?!?!)...I did not get a single picture of Jenny in her dress! Christian got a few of the kiddos but thats it! Oh well, when I get them I'll share them with you...until then, I'll just say it was beautiful...very God-honoring...perfect! Of course there were a few "glitches" along the way, but overall it really was a beautiful day! Claudia was well enough to walk down the aisle and she and Kyle did a perfect job of ringing the bells...actually, Kyle literally pulled her down the aisle, but it was so cute! I PROMISE I will give the full story when we get the pictures!

We came home from the wedding to have to give Claudia her chemo that night, and it went as expected...she threw up all night. However, she did much better the next few nights and we were able to get a little more sleep. Her body bounced back very quickly this time and her blood counts looked very good last week...so good she didn't even have to get them checked this week! YEA!!!!

Ok...allow me to be "real" for a minute... Will somebody please kill this sick feeling in my stomach? I'll never ever forget the feeling I felt as our dr. told us Claudia had a brain tumor - I was instantly overcome with this overwhelming, awful sick feeling...I just had no idea that 2 years later, this same feeling would still be making its home in my stomach. Its definitely worse on some days, like when we get close to another MRI (which is the case now...JUNE 29th!!!!) but there are some days I really get sick of the daily tears...the YEARN for this storm to calm just seems to becoming more intense. I long for the "normal" worries I hear all of my peers talk about..like being so "busy" from their social schedule and running their kids around (I can't even take mine to the park) or like how to deal with their kid crying in the nursery, or how to get them to eat more vegetables, or you know. I just want the "normal" emotions associated with a parent/child relationship. This past Sunday I was again reminded how different my "normals" are. The special music at church for Father's Day was a beautiful song about giving our children wings so that one day they will be able to fly away, and how happy, yet sad that will be. As the tears fell from my face, I realized everyone else around me was also crying...but they were crying because this bittersweet day will come too soon...me, I wept, praying that the Lord would allow my child to make it to this point in her life...that she would be here on earth, healthy enough to "fly away" from my arms. I guess I need to be more like my sister and try not to look so far ahead...to just be thankful for another good day that God has given us. And that is one thing this crisis has taught me...I definitely don't fret over the little things. I don't care if my house is not spotless, or has a few dishes still on the counter...or if Claudia smears my windows and mirrors with her fingerprints (in fact, there's one handprint on our foyer mirror I refuse to clean...every week I clean around it...its too precious to me and I want it there forever!)...or if we get to bed a little late because we're all on the couch singing to her videos...or if we have to grab fast food for dinner because Claudia and I spent extra time together in the pool...or if I don't get a shower until her nap later that day because we've sat on the couch all morning doing puzzles...I DON'T CARE!!!! And I'm not afraid to say no to others because there's not enough hours in the day to do everything for everyone else AND love on my little girl. I'm thankful I'm learning these lessons early in life and not when I'm older and only able to reflect on what I would've done different, wishing I would not have wasted so much time worrying about the "little" things of life.

ANYWAY... (Thank you. Sometimes it just feels good to let all these emotions run free.) We have a very big week next week. We will leave Wed. for Indy and stay the night for her early MRI on Thurs. morning, June 29th. If the tumor is not growing, we will begin another round of chemo later that day. Since I'm all about "being honest" this post, I'll just say this MRI has my stomach in knots. This will be the first MRI since her last scare of thinking the tumor was growing. This MRI will give us a better idea if it was truly growing (which is VERY bad b/c the chemo would be in vain). Also, if the tumor is going to shrink, it will show up on this MRI...and even though this isn't the dr's goal of the chemo (the goal is to keep the tumor from growing until she is older to take radiation), IT MOST DEFINITELY IS OURS!!!!! I've been praying so intensely for a miracle next Thurs., - that the dr's would be AMAZED that the tumor is GONE! Only our God could do that...and I believe HE IS ABLE! Please pray...from a begging mother with a broken heart, I plead for your prayers...I covet them. Thank you.

And here's some pictures of our recent events...

A more recent picture of Wyatt...isn't he adorable?! And this is a pretty good example of his little personality...calm, peaceful and a great little sleeper (most of the time)!

(BTW...he's definitely got the whole "sucking reflex" thing figured out and is a great little nurser!)

Whitney...isn't she beautiful?! Kim calls her "her little alarm clock!" She lets everyone know when its mealtime and is pretty impatient when its time! They (Whitney and Wyatt) always sleep together and its so cute how Whitney always has to be touching Wyatt...she's so much more "active" than he and she'll make all kinds of noises, hit him, lay her arm across his face and he just snoozes away...wander how long that will last!!!

Welcome home Whitney and Wyatt!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

What a great daddy!

I love this picture...My Grandpa Kessler holding his great grandson...what a Father's Day!

Notice the shirt...

And who needs hair to be the absolute most adorable little girl in the whole world?!?!
("Hair is so over-rated! In fact, Daddy said he's going to shave his head so we can look alike...another reason why he's the best dad in the whole world!") We love you all and will keep you updated on all the events of next week. And from the bottom or our hearts, thank you for your prayers!

They're here!!!

THE TWINS ARE HERE!!! This post is for my (Sarah's) family in Missouri, Kansas, Arizona and Michigan who are dying to see pictures and requested I get these up ASAP!!!

Kim had a cesarean section yesterday around 2pm...and she did great! (In fact she's already been up and sitting in a rocking chair...that's really good!) So here's mama with her newest little ones. I just can't believe both of those babies were inside of her! (And because you are probably all wandering...mama says they are SOOOO easy to tell apart!)

So let me introduce to you the newest Dawson's! (These pictures are before they've even been cleaned up!!!)

Whitney Anne

Born at 2:11pm

6lbs. 8oz.

19 inches
She came out crying and is definitely the more fiesty of the two. She also loves to suck her thumb. I guess she had that thumb to her mouth as soon as she came out...even had found it by the time they held her up for Kim!

Wyatt James
Born at 2:12pm
6lbs. 13oz.
20 1/2 inches
Apparently, this little guy was lodged way up, sideways, up by Kim's ribs and really had to be tugged hard to get down! He's not quite figured out how to suck, so please pray he catches on quickly. (Nurses say this is VERY common in the "second twin"?!?!?)

Can you tell them apart yet? Hint, the color of the ball on their hats gives it away!
Whitney is on the left, Wyatt on the right

Claudia CANNOT keep her hands off of them. She had to fight Lynae to hold Whitney the entire time there! In fact, we had to take her from the room twice as she threw temper tantrums from wanting to hold them. We've been waiting for these babies for a long time...in fact, her very first sentence was, "Meme, two babies, out! (She calls Kim, "meme.")
So here she is holding her new cousin, Whitney!

From two kids....to FOUR! (Really, Chris, its not THAT big of a family!)

More pictures of the twins to come!

Also, I'm going to post a big update on how Jenny's wedding and Claudia's last round of chemo went...until then, here's a little sneak peak... And I'll leave you with this last photo...someone's learning how to smile!!!!
I love that girl!

BUSY, BUSY, BUSY...

WOW! Life is soooooo busy right now! I feel horrible it has been so long since our last update. Its 4:00 in the morning and Claudia has finally gone to bed and its the first "quiet" moment I've had all day, (and probably all week for that matter) so this one is going to be brief, but so many have asked how Claudia is doing and what's going on that I just wanted to get something out to you all....let me explain why its been so busy...

My sister, Jenny is getting married this Saturday - June 3 (I am doing the flowers, favors, programs, bows...basically everything for her wedding.). My other sister, Kim, is pregnant with twins and due any time. If she hasn't had them (a boy and a girl) by this Wed., she is having a c-section on Thurs. (June 8). She has been extremely uncomfortable and been told by dr's that she really should be off of her feet and laying down at least 6 hrs. a day if she wants to keep those babies in...yeah right!!! Try doing that with a 5 and (VERY ACTIVE) 3 yr. old. Sooooo, that means I have been helping out as much as possible....making supper, etc... On top of these two things, 2 weeks ago, my grandma was rushed to the ER and ended up having to undergo an emergency surgery on her colon. (And my dad, her son, was in Europe on a missions trip with his basketball team!) I will give more details later, but the surgery went well and she is still recovering (after several complications) under nurses' care in a nursing home. She is doing much better but is still fighting an infection in her incision and will have a colostomy for the rest of her life, and is trying to "adjust" to this idea and new lifestyle.

And now that I've just ranted about all of our recent "busy stresses," how's Claudia?!?!?! She's doing well. I'll give much more detail later (I am soooo tired and really should be in bed right now!). Her blood counts have been low the past few weeks which has been really stressful because she is in Jenny's wedding and we want her well (ok, that didn't sound right...that's not the only reason we want her well!). If she gets sick, it means we end up in Indy in the hospital and none of us go to the wedding. We are actually scheduled to start the chemo that we give her at home tomorrow (Thurs) but our dr's are very understanding/sesative and suggested, because of Jenny's wedding, that we wait until Sat. to start giving it to her. (This one makes her very sick the week we give it to her.) So, looks like we'll have a VERY big day Sat...starting off with the wedding and ending with chemo that night. Normally she throws up with this one the first night so I'm very much dreading that night...will be very exhausting. Claudia has also decided that the 2 weeks of her sleeping through the night was just way too AWESOME, and has gone back to her old schedule of getting up at about 2:00am, ready to play her little heart out all night instead of sleeping. I have no clue why. Dr's have not clue why. Again, we've tried everything. I just don't get it. Please pray she would begin sleeping through the night. This little "problem" is really getting old and exhausting. Did I say we are absolutely EXHAUSTED?!?!

But probably the thing that has stressed me out the most of anything (which is totally pathetic because it is completely cosmetic) is that, about 1 1/2 weeks ago, Claudia lost all of her hair. Dr.'s told us this would happen, but after a yr. of taking this chemo, nothing happened. Dr.'s were amazed and thought Claudia was just going to be one of those "miracle kids." The fact that she lost it really means nothing...other than that her body is reacting normally to the chemo...but WHY, 2 weeks before the wedding????? I would get her up in the morning and she would be covered in hair, and all throughout the day I would pull HUGE clumps off her back, off the couch, everywhere. I cried for almost 3 days straight. It happened so fast. It upset me so bad. And then one day, I was sitting outside while Claudia took her nap, just crying, angry with God, and thought, this is rediculous. Its just HAIR. It will grow back. She's BEAUTIFUL with or without hair. GET OVER IT!!!! She's here. I get to hug her, love her...raise her. I felt such a wave of thankfullness come over me...its as though the Holy Spirit physically wiped the tears from my eyes. I love sensing God's presence in such a powerful way! And yeah, there are times I look at her and feel "sad", but its not because her hair is gone, I think its more because its another reminder of what she's going through...that this nightmere is a reality....that she's fighting for her life.

Thank you all so much for your faithful prayer. I don't think I thank you all enough. It just means so much to us.

And there's no way I could post without any pictures so here we go...

Summer is FINALLY here and Claudia LOVES her bike rides! Doesn't she look so funny...but oh so cute!!!! She's contantly begging daddy to take her on a ride.

Because I've been trying to help Kim with the kids, we've gotten extra play time with the cousins...and believe me, nothing makes Claudia more happy!
I think Clauida would let Lynae pull her on this for HOURS!

Lately Claudia has become so "lovey." And I love it! I'll be reading her a book (or whatever we happen to be doing) and she'll just lean over and give me several kisses...and hugs...and more kisses...and more hugs. So here she is, given daddy kisses!
We've been spending LOTS of time in the pool the past week...and she LOVES it!
Playing with the cousins! (And yes, I know, we're working on getting rid of the dumb pacifier!)
This one is for all of our prayer warriers in Germany! My dad brought this litte German doll back from his trip. And it was so funny, because I told her to hold up her doll and smile for me, well, she just stared at it for a long time, put the hat on her head and smiled this cheesy grin!
Again, thanks for all of your prayers and encouraging words. We love you!

A day in the life of Claudia...

Life is never dull around this house...that's for sure. Sometimes, it just seems that we can never fully get ahead of the "game." Do you ever feel that way? Just when we get Claudia sleeping through the night (something we haven't experienced for almost 1 1/2 YEARS)...life gets interrupted and we start all over again. One step forward, two back. Anyhow, let me catch you up-to-date...

Chemo (2 times ago - April 20th) went well. However, we were told by the doctors that the side effects would probably begin to be a little more intense after this week (it just takes that long for her little body to begin wearing down)...and they were. It started out with constipation. This is always a tough one to deal with. She can't quite communicate well enough to tell us exactly what the symptoms are she's feeling, but she would begin crying...loud, and point to her stomach. We realized after several days that we hadn't changed a dirty diaper so we put two-and-two together. If you've ever had this problem, you know how painful this can be. We were finally able to "get things moving" after a prescription laxative. She's also begun to act a little more tired...just laying on the couch or wanting to be held. My aching mother's heart reminds me this isn't how a two year old should be spending her day.

To add drama (like we need anymore!), last Monday she woke up with a 102 degree temperature. We have strict orders to call our dr. (specialist/onocologist) if her temp. ever exceeds 101, so after several phone calls and a rising temp (almost 104 degrees!) we were on our way to our local pediatrician. He couldn't seem to find any "sick" symptoms (like runny nose, red throat/ears, etc. - which means she could have had an internal infection, like in her blood or somewhere even more serious) so he sent us over to the local hospital for tests...lots of them. Three different blood tests, 2 X-rays and urine testing, to be exact. I'll spare you most of the details, but let's just say this was the beginning of a nightmare. We tried telling him that we would prefer to drive to Lutheran Hospital in Ft. Wayne because they don't "do" pediatric ports at KCH...he insisted they did. So, by the time we got over to the hospital they had lost our, faxed over, paperwork. This resulted in a 1 1/2 hour wait. When it was finally time to draw blood from her port, we were informed that there was not a single person in the entire hospital qualified to draw blood from a pediatric port. Hmmm... We went ahead and got her x-rays done. Still, nobody to draw blood from her port, so they tried getting blood from her arm. After several unsuccessful pokes they decided they needed to find someone who could access her port. Finally, after several (hours!) and phone calls later, we had a nurse that had been trained in an IV ward (25 years ago) and thought she could do it. Again, I'll spare you the details, but it was a long...did I say LONG?!....long process, but we got it done. The blood work came back ok...still puzzling to the doctors, but to be safe (because she is so high risk) they decided to give her an antibiotic shot (with 5 different antibiotics in it). And because they did not leave her port in, this meant ANOTHER POKE for an exhausted, hysterically crying little girl. I guess this is a pretty serious shot to get because she had to go up to the ICU where they had to monitor her vitals as she received the shot in her leg. Of course, she cried hysterically and at the end of the day, I'm still not sure who cried more...her or ME!!! I was so frustrated, angry, heartbroken... We had left to see the dr. at 3:30pm and were finally leaving for home at 10:30pm! What a day. She continued to have a temp the next day (Tues.) but woke up Wed. perfectly fine...no temp, nothing. This meant we were off to Indy for chemo on Thurs. Our dr. (in Indy) was able to determine from further blood testing that she had caught some kind of viral infection (meaning the shot was useless...oh well, better to be safe than sorry, I guess).

Chemo (April 27th) was also uneventful...everything went well. However, AGAIN, she woke up with a temp this past Friday (102 degrees) which lasted until this morning (Sunday). She seems to be ok today, but hasn't had a dirty diaper yet. I hope this isn't the start of another ordeal with constipation. Please pray. Who knows what tomorrow will hold. I just keep telling myself...one day at a time.

The last time we were in Indy, we took a documentary of photos so you can see what our Thursdays getting chemo are like...

Waiting for our nurse to come get us. "Do we have to go back, Daddy? I love all the toys in the waiting room!" Every week before getting chemo, she gets weighed...

...measured (height)...

...and her blood pressure and temperature are taken.
She used to cry hysterically when they did this, now she just crawls right up in the chair and pulls her pant leg up. She's such a big girl!

This is a good picture of what her port looks like when its "accessed" or has an IV/needle in it.
A nurse comes to our house EVERY Wed. to draw blood to check her counts. On weeks we come to Indy, she leaves the needle in, which saves us a poke when we come for chemo the next day.

After checking her vitals, the nurse draws blood for more testing. When she's just "flushing" her port, she lets Claudia help push the syringe...she LOVES this. We have such a WONDERFUL nurse (Cindy). She is soooo good with kids.

Getting one of her chemo drugs (she gets one real quick...and one over a 2 hr.period).
Look how good she is...she just watches!!!And now she has a 2 hour infusion of chemo...so we wait, and watch videos, and play, and take wagon rides, and...
Her FAVORITE thing to do while waiting is playing with the doll house. As soon as she gets hooked up we run, literally, over to it. It was handmade by a man who spent his whole married life making it, and everything in it (as a hobby) for his wife...when she died, he donated it. It really is neat. This picture doesn't show it's grand size and very intricate detail too well.
And we're all done! She always gets a fun bandaid that she's very proud of!

"Can you tell I'm happy to be in the car and on my way home?!?! I'm so brave. Mommy tells me I'm such a fighter and a pretty special girl."So there you have it...a day in the life of Claudia. Just thought you may what to see what she goes though every Thur. She takes it so well. I am so proud of my little trooper. She actually gets excited when we walk in the hospital...she has no clue. So my prayer is that God will heal her of this tumor and that she will never have to emotionally understand this "journey" she is having to bear. She is such a special little girl.

In closing, I just had to share these last photos & story with you. We had a warm spell last week and got to be outdoors a lot (what a blessing...she LOVES being outside!!!) As I was raking some leaves, she wandered out front and as I came around the corner this is what I saw....
...ALL OF MY BEAUTIFUL TULIPS WERE GONE!!!!! She had gotten to every single one of them! But is was so neat because, as I picked up one of the blooms and held it in my hand, I saw an open tulip, a side of these flowers that I had never seen before...it was so beautiful!!!!

God spoke to me very clearly that day. As I stared at this beautiful flower, I was taken by its beauty and completely forgot that my tulip garden had been destroyed and its as though He audibly whispered in my ear, "Learn to see through the circumstance...He makes all things beautiful in His time." (His promise in Ecclesiastes 3:11) Wow! He gave me that little bit of encouragement and strength I desperately needed. A reminder that regardless of how awful our situation may currently seem...be patient...it will all be beautiful in His perfect time. Thank you, God, for reminding me you are in control...all the time! I pray we will be able to see the beauty in Claudia's pain while still here on earth.

Happy (late) Easter!

HAPPY EASTER...a little late!!!

We hope all of you had a wonderful, blessed Easter! Every year as I reflect upon the "reason for the Easter season," I'm always left so utterly humbled by what our Lord did for us. The horrific death that He died for each of us...the words to a hymn best express my feelings..."AMAZING love, how can it be, that thou my God would die for me?" Having to watch Claudia go through the painful procedures & treatment for her tumor, I have a new perspective on what this death must have felt to our Heavenly Father...I just can't imagine what He was feeling as He watched His son suffer like that. And thank goodness the story doesn't end there...HE IS RISEN...HE IS RISEN INDEED!!! I love celebrating His resurrection!

Our church has 2 services so Christian and I both were able to go (Claudia can't go because of her deficient immune system). After church we all headed over to my parents house for an awesome (as always) dinner and egg hunt. (And I loooooove Easter dresses, too!!! My mom used to make us all matching dresses!)

Claudia in her Easter dress (Thanks Aunt Tara!)

Claudia with her two cousins, Kyle and Lynae (or to her, Nae-Nae!)

Normally, each year right before dinner, our family takes a big family picture (yep, all of us) on Easter, but somehow, this year the guys escaped this torture and we didn't get to it! Sooo....all these individual pictures will have to do. (Probably why we didn't take a group pic...we took so many individual photos, there was no time!)

Us...The McCrays...
Christian, Claudia and myself!

The Dawsons...
Chris, Kim, Lynae, Kyle, Twin A & Twin B (due in June)
(Kim is my sister...the oldest of us 4 girls)

The (soon to be) Lovettes...
Jarrod and Jenny
(Jenny is my younger (#3) sister...and to be married June 3...the same exact day Kim's twins are due...ahhhhh!!!!)

Miss Janelle! (Or Aunt Nelle to all the nieces & nephew)
My youngest sister. She is a social worker and currently living in Chicago.

Grandma & Grandpa Kessler
My dad's parents. They moved to Warsaw from Missouri a couple of years ago, and we all really love having them so close!

And last but not least, my mom & dad! Somehow I didn't get a pic. of them together so here they are in action...Dad carving the ham (& I think snitching a bite) and mom showing off her Easter tulips. My mom had caterac surgery Monday, and it went VERY well. For the first time in 40-some years, she doesn't need glasses!!!

The four sisters...we take this same exact pose every few years. I wish I had the first one to compare (I think this is the second time Kim has been pregnant in it!!!) And isn't it funny that NONE of us look alike?!?! I promise...we all have the same mom & dad!

After an awesome meal, it was time for the Easter egg hunt! It was a bit chilly outside, so this year we had it indoors. My mom filled 2 huge bags of plastic eggs with everything from chocolate to balloons to stickers to...you name it!!! I think that was the most fun part...finding what was inside. Claudia would fill her basket and when it got full, instead of looking for more she would dump her basket and start all over again (many times over)...needless to say, I think she had the least amount of eggs!!!

What a fun day! I love my family!
Bye bye Grandma!!!

On a different note, Claudia had her weekly blood draw today and everything looks good for chemo tomorrow. Tomorrow starts the first day of Round #5 (of 7...we're getting closer!) So we will be in Indianapolis every Thurs. for the next four weeks. I'll keep you updated.

Bye for now...we love you all.