PLEASE PRAY...

Here we are again…Claudia has her next MRI this Tues, Dec. 12th. We probably won’t know the actual results until the 13th (Long story, but now that we’re with Riley, the student dr.’s have to read them first and by the time the “real” dr. reads them, our clinic dr.’s have all gone home…yeah, I know, its pure torture waiting for results...I can't stand it.) This will be her first MRI since she has finished her chemo. (Please calm my heart, Lord, for even writing this forms a knot in my stomach.) Which by the way, her last round of oral chemo went…ok. The first night she threw up so much that there’s absolutely no way she kept any of it down, but the next three nights went ok. Because someday I want her to see everything she has had to endure and how BRAVE she has been, I video-taped her last night of oral chemo. I cried the entire time. Partly because its STILL so hard to watch her go through it (I can honestly say, it never got better, it was just as hard each time…maybe even harder near the end because she could talk more and would beg, “Please mommy, no, help me.”) and partly because I want SO bad for this to be the last of this nightmare. So the chemo is officially over. Forever. I am choosing to believe in God’s healing power!

Because we got behind with the chemo, we celebrated Claudia’s birthday a little late. It was just immediate family because her counts were still pretty low. She’s obsessed with Elmo and the whole Sesame Street gang right now so that was the theme. I went to the cake shop purely to find the characters to put on a plain sheet cake, and what did I find….an Elmo cake pan that I could rent for a couple of bucks…so she had 2 cakes this year! It turned out ok…mainly, Claudia LOVED it…and that’s all that matters! Her party was so fun. Elmo must be as popular in everybody else’s house as he is in our’s because it was very easy to find every kind of Elmo party supply possible (and, of course, I went way overboard!). I did all the decorating and put all the presents out while she was taking her nap (mainly because she found a couple presents a few days earlier and absolutely could not resist…she woke up one morning, unwrapped them all and then hid them! Little stinker!) so when she came down the stairs she literally starting screaming, hitting herself, turning in circles, etc. she was SO excited! I wish I had gotten it on video…it was hilarious! I had no idea she would be THAT excited! I love that girl so much! So my baby girl is now officially 3! How can that be?!?!?

Opening presents...with the help of cousins Kyle and Lynae, of course!

Before we eat my hours of work!!!

Blowing out the candles. Can you tell she put them in all by herself?!

And now for cake #2. She got a hold of this one the night before...I guess she thought she would help stick the figures in deeper than what they were...took a pretty big chunk out of the front (which you conveniently can't see!)

We were only allowed to lick the WHITE icing candles!!!

For hours after everyone left we rode her new wagon around the house...with the new baby, of course. Grandma got her a doll that cries, drinks her bottle, burps, goes potty...basically everything, and she LOVES it!

So please pray with us for Dec. 12th, that her results would be tumor free! THANK YOU. We love you all and will definitely keep you updated. Until then...

Better late than never, I suppose!

NOTE: This was written about 4 weeks ago...I'm just now getting my computer to work. Unfortunately I couldn't get even half of the pictures that were originally linked to this post to download (sometimes I HATE computers!!!!). Oh well...

Finally…a quiet moment to myself. Claudia finally went down for her nap, and I just got off the phone with the pharmacist…I just called in her last dose of chemotherapy. My tears are falling so hard, I can barely see to type. I have so many emotions “flowing” right now…I’m not quite sure which one is making me cry so hard. The past few days, week, month…have seemed so long, and “trying.” I don’t even know where to start.

Sept., we drove up to Clarion North Children’s Cancer Clinic for Claudia’s last dose of IV chemotherapy. I had dreamed (literally) of this day for over 1 ½ yrs. I dreamed of the party we would have…I dreamed about walking away that last time, feeling “victory.” It wasn’t anything like my dreams. Claudia wouldn’t sleep the night before, so after approximately 1 ½ hrs, we decided to just get in the car and go…Christian and I both sick…I, sick enough, I was wearing a mask to try and protect Claudia as much as possible. (You know you’re sick when the dr.’s and nurses tell you that you don’t look good or simply ask, “are you feeling ok?” Yeah, that’s how bad I felt.) I almost didn’t go, because I didn’t want to even possibly infect any of the other sick children at the clinic, but I knew Claudia needed me badly, so they kept us in a hospital room until all the other patients had left. After speaking with the dr., we felt so discouraged. She basically prepared us for the fact that the tumor will likely start growing again after her chemo is finished. She decided that WHEN (her exact word) that happens, we will have to radiate her. My heart dropped. We took a bunch of pictures and tried to act happy that this was our last treatment…whatever that means. I think I cried the entire way home. Today was supposed to be a day of “victory”…not more defeat. I know God knew my pain…and felt each of my tears because when we were driving home, I was on the phone with my mom, telling her how the day went, what the dr. said, and expressing my heartache…when I looked up to see the most beautiful rainbow. I got off the phone with my mom, opened the window and let the cold air hit my face as I just marveled at this beautiful sign of God’s promise. He gave us this beautiful reminder of His promise never to flood the earth again, but that day, He gave it to me to remind me of ALL of His promises. His promises that He is in control…He hasn’t forgot about us…He knows what He is doing…that these “tears of pain” will someday produce “tears of joy.” Although I still felt this heartache, I felt a new sense of peace…and even a tiny glimpse of joy.

Claudia turns 3 on Friday! Its hard to comprehend everything her little life has endured in these past 3 years. She knows no other life than that of needles, pain, hospitals…and yet she’s such a testament of God’s goodness and faithfulness. I don’t know how its possible, but I love her so much more with each and every birthday. Yep…I’m a very proud mamma…and I love my baby so much. She has been obsessed with Sesame Street lately so this will definitely be her birthday theme this year. Every time I ask her what kind of birthday cake she wants, she adds another Sesame Street character to the list. Today when asked she said, Elmo (her favorite), Big Bird, Grover…and today she added Cookie Monster. Not quite sure how I’m going to do it yet. The CRAZY, but creative side of me wants to make a little cake of each character…the sane side of me wants to make a plain white cake and buy all of these characters to put on it! We’ll see. I have some extra time because she’ll actually be on chemo this next week so we won’t celebrate until she’s feeling better. I know she doesn’t know any different but for some reason its sad to me…we’ve never been able to celebrate her birthday on the actual day because of this stupid tumor. Her first birthday, she was still recovering from the surgery, her last birthday she was sick from the chemo, and now this one. Here’s to praying her fourth will be right on the special day…healthy and HEALED!!!

There’s far to much to update you all in one e-mail for let me just tell you about the events of the last few weeks…
Christian had a farm show in Georgia 2 weekends ago, and because it was only a few hours from his parents, we all decided to go! We got Claudia’s blood counts checked the day before we left and they looked ok…not great, but good enough to go. So we did. Because both of Christian’s brothers (both from Indiana) were in Pensacola visiting, we decided to get a cabin (for them) and campsite (for us) at this awesome little campsite in Navarre, FL right on the beach. It was beautiful…and it was a blast! God truly blessed us with beautiful weather and a wonderful time. I’ll let the pictures below tell most of the story from our mini vacation…

Uncle Nate (Christian's older brother), Aunt Olivia (his wife) and Abraham (their youngest) all playing out on the end of the pier. The guys loved the fishing from this dock!

Christian after a "rough" evening of fishing walking to our RV. You can see the beach and cabin in the background.

Olivia, Christian's mom (Carla), me and the kiddos playing in the sand...probably watching a sunset- they were BEAUTIFUL!

Hanging out on the beach. (Unfortunately, I couldn't get any of the other super cute photos to upload...like Claudia feeding the birds, flying her kite, etc... Darn!)

By Monday, both of the brothers had left and Christian had left for the farm show so it was just me, Claudia, Ma and Pa (as Claudia says) for the next four days. It also was a fun, relaxed time.

Claudia picking an orange from Ma and Pa's trees...not quite ripe yet. Pa says by Thanksgiving!

Christian's parents live about 3 minutes walking distance from an awesome little neighborhood park. She loved it! So here's a picture from one our daily (sometimes hourly) walk to the park!

Here's Claudia helping carve our jack-o-lantern. It was quite hilarious...she wanted SO bad to help by sticking her hands in the inside...that is, until she actually did it. She HATED it! She just might be a little girlie-girl!

Sooooo…here’s where things got a little, um, exciting (because we can’t just do anything normal). We got up early Friday, packed and were ready to leave. We always let Claudia sleep until its time to go, so as we’re saying our good-bye’s, Christian wakes up Claudia and brings her to me, telling me he doesn’t think she’s acting quite right. As soon as he hands her to me, I could tell right away that she had a fever…it was 103.7 degrees. FYI, anything above 101 is an immediate call to the dr. So, we called our dr.s in Indy…they said get her in to see the dr. ASAP. To make a very long, confusing story short, we weren’t about to go sit in some ER for hours, so our dr. called down to a pediatric cancer clinic and got us in right away. This was heaven sent. The dr’s and nurses from this clinic were excellent. After examining her and getting her blood drawn, the dr. wanted her admitted immediately…her temperature was still at a dangerous level, she was acting VERY lethargic and the blood test couldn’t determine if she was suffering from a viral or bacterial infection. (Because Claudia has a port-a-cath inside of her, with a tube leading straight to her heart, it is very dangerous if this unit becomes infected with a bacterial infection – it could easily go straight to her heart and kill her.) So, she was immediately admitted and was given multiple antibiotics via IV. And then one of the scariest moments of my entire life happened…after a few hours in the hospital, they couldn’t seem to get her temperature down. She began acting more and more sick. She had had chills all morning long, but she began jerking and we knew it was more than the chills we had seen all morning. Christian began yelling her name, trying to get her to respond….nothing. Her eyes (or eye, because the one doesn’t move) rolled back into her head and the saliva was pouring out of her mouth. Something was terribly wrong. I ran down to the nurses station, yelling for help. Christian picked her up…she was stiff as a board and not responding. Within minutes, we had a team of about 10 dr’s and nurses working on her. The whole thing probably lasted a few minutes but it felt like hours. I just remember crying hysterically and asking what was happening. The nurses tried to calm us. Christian hardly ever cries…he had tears streaming down his face. I just couldn’t believe this was happening…again. We later learned that it was a feberial seizure. I guess this can happen when a child’s fever spikes real high. She was hooked up to heart and O2 monitors and we were transferred to a “higher stat room” which basically means it was across from the nurses station, so they could keep a more intense watch on her. As most of you know, seizures to us, mean lots of meds that make her aloof and are a result of potential brain problems….SCARY and NOT WHAT WE WANT! Christian’s parents called their pastor, and within minutes (literally), he along with another couple from the church were in our room to pray with us. This was such an encouragement and a reminder of how awesome it is to be a part of the family of God. I know God heard our prayers…and chose to answer yes this time. Long story short, she never had another seizure and by 10 or so that night, her fever had broken and she was feeling 110% better. She was still, obviously, sick, but feeling much better. By, Sunday, it was confirmed that she did not have a bacterial infection in her port and that it must have been viral. She was feeling so much better and begging to, “go home”...as were we all!

So, we made it! God just keeps giving us enough strength and patience to get through each new passing day! Never a dull moment...NEVER!

Bittersweet...

Ok...A VERY QUICK UPDATE...

Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

The good news...THE TUMOR IS NOT GROWING!!!! YEAH...Praise God! The tumor is exactly the same as it always has been...no bigger, no smaller...which leads me to the bad news. The tumor is not shrinking or in any way (at this point) being affected by the chemo. Although this is not exactly what we wanted to hear, we're just trying our best to celebrate in the good news. Afterall, it is possible that this tumor will never, ever grow again. Yes, of course we would love for this thing to shrivel up and die, never having to worry about it again, but God has chosen not to allow this to happen...yet!!!! I say yet, because we refuse to become discouraged, or lose hope that this could, and will, still happen! We remain to stay focused on the Great Healer...NOT on all the circumstances, or doctors reports, surrounding us. Besides...our fervent prayer remains to be, "Please heal her, Lord, however you choose!" This could mean he chooses to heal her by never allowing the tumor to grow again!

Anyway, I just wanted to update you on the results. I do promise that updating this site is #1 on my "to do" list for Monday, so stay tuned! Until then, I just want to thank all of you again (and again, and again....) for your many prayers, cards, phone calls, e-mails...EVERYTHING! We are so thankful for all of you. Much love to you all!

Looking for better day tomorrow...

Ok...I'm going to be honest...today was pretty rough. I could give you all the details of the day and keep you waiting, but BECAUSE I HATE THAT MYSELF, I'll get straight to the point...we know nothing yet and won't know results from the MRI until tomorrow. AHHHHH!!! Maybe God's just giving us time to get our chocolate...let me explain.

Here's how today went...Claudia is currently not sleeping through the night and so we had a hard time deciding whether or not to stay overnight in Indy the night before because she sleeps even less in a hotel...its "too exciting," new, etc. (There's many other reasons we decided against it this time, but will explain later.) So, long story short, we decided to drive down this morning. Bad decision. We got her to bed EARLY last night and still only got 2 1/2 hrs. of sleep...but we were there right on time (which is rare for us!)...only to find out that the MRI machine was broken! Nurses said it could be a wait of anywhere from 1 to 4 HOURS! So we waited...and waited...and, well, this was getting rough for a little girl who does't understand why she can't eat or drink. So after an hour or so, we ended up walking over to the cancer clinic and they decided to hook her up and give her chemo before the results. (Hope she needed it...well, actually I don't, but you know what I mean.) And remember...still not allowed to have any food or drink. So FINALLY, they got the MRI machine up and going. She hates these procedures but this time, she really got upset. She went to sleep screaming...and woke up screaming. SO HARD on my heart. And to top it off, because it was so late, there was no tech to read the results...meaning we have to wait until tomorrow. THIS IS TORTURE! Waiting for results is the absolute worst.

So what's this have to do with chocolate? I can't even count how many times we've been stuck in limbo waiting for results of all kinds and so we started a little tradition two years ago...we buy chocolate for these days we find out some kind of results to "celebrate" the good news afterwards (like days of MRI's, etc.)! Just a way to stay positive, I guess! Well, for the first time today, we forgot to get our chocolate! So maybe this is God's sense of humor...knowing we're going to get good news...we need our chocolate!!!! Ok, that's probably stretching it but, hey, let's stay positive, right?! Why do I have this feeling its going to be a very long night???

I will give you all an update as soon as we find anything out. Until then, just waiting...and praying...and hoping...and beliving for the best! Thanks again for all of your prayers! We covet them!

Big day coming up...SEPTEMBER 7th

Oh my! Its been waaaay too long. I think I start every blog out by apologizing for it taking so long to update...this one's going to be no different. Sorry everyone!

I've got so much to update and pictures to share...BUT...its been really crazy around here and I honestly don't have the time right now (which I promise to explain why later), but we have a very big day this Thurs. and I, once again, am petitioning for your prayers on Claudia's behalf.

She has another MRI this Thurs., Sept.7. Our utmost prayer is that the tumor is not growing. However, IF (and the dr's emphasize IF), this MRI looks good ("good" to the dr's being no tumor growth), this could be our last round (which is 10 weeks) of chemo!!!! And although we would be absolutely ecstatic for a report of no tumor growth, we are hoping and earnestly praying that this MRI would show that the chemo is actually "affecting", or in other words, killing the tumor. Even though this is a distant possibility, its not necessarily what the dr's are expecting, so yes, it would be a miracle....but, yes, I also believe and trust in a God that performs miracles! Furthermore, if the chemo shows no effect on the tumor by this MRI, most likely, the chemo hasn't done anything at all (this type of tumor has no pattern of growth, so its very possible that the tumor has just stopped growing for now...having nothing to do with the chemo). Due to the nature of this tumor, and if this is the case (tumor not effected), the future course of treatment will be extremely hard for the dr's to prescribe (like further chemo treatment, how frequent she will need MRI's, future radiation, etc). I hope this explanation was not too confusing...and btw, feel free to e-mail me with any questions you may ever have at sarahekessler@yahoo.com .

So anyway, we would be indebted to you if you would please join us in asking God for a miracle...HE IS ABLE...MORE THAN ABLE!!!!

Thank you sooooo much for your prayers and encouragement...they just mean more than words could possibly express. And I PROMISE, I will give an update ASAP!!!!

(And even despite my lack of time at the moment, I just can't leave you without a picture...or two of my "bald beauty"...and isn't she that...SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!)

This is her new, "you-can't-make-me-smile," look!

(From our trip in Michigan...which I will tell you all about next time!)

Good MRI Results

As Christian and I were talking tonight, remembering what we were doing and where we were a week ago today, I remembered I never updated our site about the results of her last MRI…oops! Sorry everyone!

Last Wed.’s (June 29th) MRI results were good. The tumor is not growing. YEAH! And yet, I can’t seem to kick these mixed emotions…amidst the excitement of this news is a bit of disappointment in that we were really hoping and praying for some “shrinkage” this time. (Dr.’s said if its going to shrink it would have shown up on this scan.) But its ok. God doesn’t have to work within the Dr.’s time frame of knowledge…and I suppose it will just be that much more of a miracle when “it” all happens, right?!? Right. I’m really working on trying to be content and at complete peace with God’s answers and/or timing to my pleading prayers…and learning how to turn my heart’s anxiety into “It is well.” But it ain’t easy, and weeks like this remind me why…

The trip to Indy was…ok. We left so late Wed. night that we didn’t have too much time to kill in the hotel, and that’s a good thing. The next morning went fairly smooth as well. We didn’t have to wait as long as usual for her MRI and because her port was already accessed, they could put her to sleep using her port which is much more…easy and nice and…less traumatic for all of us. We also had a very good anesthesiologist because she woke up without too many tears this time. Not having a whole lot more to report on about our trip this time is also a good thing…boring = good!!!

This week has been rough. The side effects of the chemo are really starting to hit hard. She got the two chemo drugs Thurs. and they caused some MAJOR constipation. Again, because of the communication barrier (that is definitely getting much better…she’s really beginning to talk a lot!), we’re never quite sure just everything that is going on inside of her, but by Sat. night she was really beginning to cry a lot. Sunday and Monday she cried and wanted to be held ALL DAY. Her entire body would shake and she cried hysterically anytime we would pick her up or move her. She just kept saying, “My tummy hurt. Help me mommy.” (Man, I can’t even write this without tears…shouldn’t I be used to this by now? What is it about your child begging you to help them, only to be completely helpless that just shoots a pain right though your heart?) After several calls to the doc and with the help of some medicine, by Tues., she passed several big “loads” and was feeling so much better. Of course, through all of this, she got her days and nights mixed up again. Sleep deprivation (something I wish there was a pill for!!!!) just seems to put this irritable edge on everything. And because of some previous medical issues, I (Sarah) have to have my sleep or it actually can throw me into a downward medical spiral. Soooo…by 5 or 6 in the morning…without a single minute of sleep, her mini video becomes our best friend and “babysitter!” (Just a funny thought...Before having Claudia, I couldn’t fall sleep unless it was completely silent and completely dark, and now…hey, all I need is a surface I can lay on, hard or soft, it doesn’t matter…lights and noise definitely don’t matter…and I think that I must dream along with her videos because I find myself subconsciencely waking up to put another DVD in when one has finished! Before children, nobody tells you about these "side effects" of motherhood!!!) And if you can picture this…last night (around 3 am) she was feeling much better, not even remotely tired, and jumping on our bed…Christian and I just laying there dying to be sleeping, moving with every bounce, and Christian (half asleep and eyes closed) says to me in a complete monotone voice, “I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m actually really happy right now…Claudia is feeling so much better.” Funny how I was thinking the exact same thing! I guess its all about our new set of “normals” I was talking about in the previous post!

Anyway, on a more positive note, Claudia was feeling much better by Tues. and so we were able to have a very enjoyable 4th of July! I just realized that I haven’t downloaded any pictures from our camera for some time so I’ll just wait and tell you all about the 4th’s festivities later! Her counts look really good from her blood draw today…actually quite surprising…despite her chemo, they’ve gone UP! Crazy! So we’re off to Indy tomorrow morning for another round of chemo. This time, I promise I’ll update much sooner on how everything went. Until then….here's only a couple of pictures.

Clauida LOVES playing in the RV. In fact, the only way to get her out of the pool without crying is to say, "Want to go get into the camper?" She calls it the "pamper!"

We made the BIG mistake of showing Claudia the nest with baby birds on our gutter out back...she now throws a temper tantrum everytime she walks by them b/c she wants to see the "baby birz." Oh how I love the terrible two's!!! And I'll leave you with Claudia's "funny comment of the day." We were at my parent's house tonight and after a huge bowl of icecream, she says to my mom, "Gandma, I NEED more i-ceam!" This is the first time she has ever said the word need! We all laughed. (Guess you just had to be there!)

Big day coming up....JUNE 29th

Hey everyone! OK...this is getting pathetic. AGAIN, I'm so sorry that it has been so long! There's so much going on! Even though life has begun to "slow down" a bit, its still a little hectic...but that's ok, it keeps our minds busy, not allowing us to dwell on other "things"...if you know what I mean.

Well, we've been spending LOTS of time with the NEW cousins!!! The twins, Wyatt & Whitney are doing so well...A LOT OF WORK...but doing well. Every morning I call Kim to see how the night went, and she says, "Great...I'm just waiting for these newborns to "wake up," but until then, I'm just going to thank God for another good day!" Its hard to believe, but these two twins are actually EASIER (A LOT) than her first child, Lynae (but that's another story I suppose...she was extremely, um...high maintenance), or maybe its not the babies, just Kim...she's becoming the baby expert! If it takes 4 kiddos and a set a twins to become an "expert," ummm, I think I'll settle for my inexperienced status!!! (Can you hear me laughing?!?!?!) Of course there's plenty of pictures below showing off these beautiful babies!

Also, last post I promised an update on Jenny's wedding but we're still waiting for pictures (its so much easier to tell a story with pictures, don't you think?!?!)...I did not get a single picture of Jenny in her dress! Christian got a few of the kiddos but thats it! Oh well, when I get them I'll share them with you...until then, I'll just say it was beautiful...very God-honoring...perfect! Of course there were a few "glitches" along the way, but overall it really was a beautiful day! Claudia was well enough to walk down the aisle and she and Kyle did a perfect job of ringing the bells...actually, Kyle literally pulled her down the aisle, but it was so cute! I PROMISE I will give the full story when we get the pictures!

We came home from the wedding to have to give Claudia her chemo that night, and it went as expected...she threw up all night. However, she did much better the next few nights and we were able to get a little more sleep. Her body bounced back very quickly this time and her blood counts looked very good last week...so good she didn't even have to get them checked this week! YEA!!!!

Ok...allow me to be "real" for a minute... Will somebody please kill this sick feeling in my stomach? I'll never ever forget the feeling I felt as our dr. told us Claudia had a brain tumor - I was instantly overcome with this overwhelming, awful sick feeling...I just had no idea that 2 years later, this same feeling would still be making its home in my stomach. Its definitely worse on some days, like when we get close to another MRI (which is the case now...JUNE 29th!!!!) but there are some days I really get sick of the daily tears...the YEARN for this storm to calm just seems to becoming more intense. I long for the "normal" worries I hear all of my peers talk about..like being so "busy" from their social schedule and running their kids around (I can't even take mine to the park) or like how to deal with their kid crying in the nursery, or how to get them to eat more vegetables, or you know. I just want the "normal" emotions associated with a parent/child relationship. This past Sunday I was again reminded how different my "normals" are. The special music at church for Father's Day was a beautiful song about giving our children wings so that one day they will be able to fly away, and how happy, yet sad that will be. As the tears fell from my face, I realized everyone else around me was also crying...but they were crying because this bittersweet day will come too soon...me, I wept, praying that the Lord would allow my child to make it to this point in her life...that she would be here on earth, healthy enough to "fly away" from my arms. I guess I need to be more like my sister and try not to look so far ahead...to just be thankful for another good day that God has given us. And that is one thing this crisis has taught me...I definitely don't fret over the little things. I don't care if my house is not spotless, or has a few dishes still on the counter...or if Claudia smears my windows and mirrors with her fingerprints (in fact, there's one handprint on our foyer mirror I refuse to clean...every week I clean around it...its too precious to me and I want it there forever!)...or if we get to bed a little late because we're all on the couch singing to her videos...or if we have to grab fast food for dinner because Claudia and I spent extra time together in the pool...or if I don't get a shower until her nap later that day because we've sat on the couch all morning doing puzzles...I DON'T CARE!!!! And I'm not afraid to say no to others because there's not enough hours in the day to do everything for everyone else AND love on my little girl. I'm thankful I'm learning these lessons early in life and not when I'm older and only able to reflect on what I would've done different, wishing I would not have wasted so much time worrying about the "little" things of life.

ANYWAY... (Thank you. Sometimes it just feels good to let all these emotions run free.) We have a very big week next week. We will leave Wed. for Indy and stay the night for her early MRI on Thurs. morning, June 29th. If the tumor is not growing, we will begin another round of chemo later that day. Since I'm all about "being honest" this post, I'll just say this MRI has my stomach in knots. This will be the first MRI since her last scare of thinking the tumor was growing. This MRI will give us a better idea if it was truly growing (which is VERY bad b/c the chemo would be in vain). Also, if the tumor is going to shrink, it will show up on this MRI...and even though this isn't the dr's goal of the chemo (the goal is to keep the tumor from growing until she is older to take radiation), IT MOST DEFINITELY IS OURS!!!!! I've been praying so intensely for a miracle next Thurs., - that the dr's would be AMAZED that the tumor is GONE! Only our God could do that...and I believe HE IS ABLE! Please pray...from a begging mother with a broken heart, I plead for your prayers...I covet them. Thank you.

And here's some pictures of our recent events...

A more recent picture of Wyatt...isn't he adorable?! And this is a pretty good example of his little personality...calm, peaceful and a great little sleeper (most of the time)!

(BTW...he's definitely got the whole "sucking reflex" thing figured out and is a great little nurser!)

Whitney...isn't she beautiful?! Kim calls her "her little alarm clock!" She lets everyone know when its mealtime and is pretty impatient when its time! They (Whitney and Wyatt) always sleep together and its so cute how Whitney always has to be touching Wyatt...she's so much more "active" than he and she'll make all kinds of noises, hit him, lay her arm across his face and he just snoozes away...wander how long that will last!!!

Welcome home Whitney and Wyatt!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

What a great daddy!

I love this picture...My Grandpa Kessler holding his great grandson...what a Father's Day!

Notice the shirt...

And who needs hair to be the absolute most adorable little girl in the whole world?!?!
("Hair is so over-rated! In fact, Daddy said he's going to shave his head so we can look alike...another reason why he's the best dad in the whole world!") We love you all and will keep you updated on all the events of next week. And from the bottom or our hearts, thank you for your prayers!

They're here!!!

THE TWINS ARE HERE!!! This post is for my (Sarah's) family in Missouri, Kansas, Arizona and Michigan who are dying to see pictures and requested I get these up ASAP!!!

Kim had a cesarean section yesterday around 2pm...and she did great! (In fact she's already been up and sitting in a rocking chair...that's really good!) So here's mama with her newest little ones. I just can't believe both of those babies were inside of her! (And because you are probably all wandering...mama says they are SOOOO easy to tell apart!)

So let me introduce to you the newest Dawson's! (These pictures are before they've even been cleaned up!!!)

Whitney Anne

Born at 2:11pm

6lbs. 8oz.

19 inches
She came out crying and is definitely the more fiesty of the two. She also loves to suck her thumb. I guess she had that thumb to her mouth as soon as she came out...even had found it by the time they held her up for Kim!

Wyatt James
Born at 2:12pm
6lbs. 13oz.
20 1/2 inches
Apparently, this little guy was lodged way up, sideways, up by Kim's ribs and really had to be tugged hard to get down! He's not quite figured out how to suck, so please pray he catches on quickly. (Nurses say this is VERY common in the "second twin"?!?!?)

Can you tell them apart yet? Hint, the color of the ball on their hats gives it away!
Whitney is on the left, Wyatt on the right

Claudia CANNOT keep her hands off of them. She had to fight Lynae to hold Whitney the entire time there! In fact, we had to take her from the room twice as she threw temper tantrums from wanting to hold them. We've been waiting for these babies for a long time...in fact, her very first sentence was, "Meme, two babies, out! (She calls Kim, "meme.")
So here she is holding her new cousin, Whitney!

From two kids....to FOUR! (Really, Chris, its not THAT big of a family!)

More pictures of the twins to come!

Also, I'm going to post a big update on how Jenny's wedding and Claudia's last round of chemo went...until then, here's a little sneak peak... And I'll leave you with this last photo...someone's learning how to smile!!!!
I love that girl!

BUSY, BUSY, BUSY...

WOW! Life is soooooo busy right now! I feel horrible it has been so long since our last update. Its 4:00 in the morning and Claudia has finally gone to bed and its the first "quiet" moment I've had all day, (and probably all week for that matter) so this one is going to be brief, but so many have asked how Claudia is doing and what's going on that I just wanted to get something out to you all....let me explain why its been so busy...

My sister, Jenny is getting married this Saturday - June 3 (I am doing the flowers, favors, programs, bows...basically everything for her wedding.). My other sister, Kim, is pregnant with twins and due any time. If she hasn't had them (a boy and a girl) by this Wed., she is having a c-section on Thurs. (June 8). She has been extremely uncomfortable and been told by dr's that she really should be off of her feet and laying down at least 6 hrs. a day if she wants to keep those babies in...yeah right!!! Try doing that with a 5 and (VERY ACTIVE) 3 yr. old. Sooooo, that means I have been helping out as much as possible....making supper, etc... On top of these two things, 2 weeks ago, my grandma was rushed to the ER and ended up having to undergo an emergency surgery on her colon. (And my dad, her son, was in Europe on a missions trip with his basketball team!) I will give more details later, but the surgery went well and she is still recovering (after several complications) under nurses' care in a nursing home. She is doing much better but is still fighting an infection in her incision and will have a colostomy for the rest of her life, and is trying to "adjust" to this idea and new lifestyle.

And now that I've just ranted about all of our recent "busy stresses," how's Claudia?!?!?! She's doing well. I'll give much more detail later (I am soooo tired and really should be in bed right now!). Her blood counts have been low the past few weeks which has been really stressful because she is in Jenny's wedding and we want her well (ok, that didn't sound right...that's not the only reason we want her well!). If she gets sick, it means we end up in Indy in the hospital and none of us go to the wedding. We are actually scheduled to start the chemo that we give her at home tomorrow (Thurs) but our dr's are very understanding/sesative and suggested, because of Jenny's wedding, that we wait until Sat. to start giving it to her. (This one makes her very sick the week we give it to her.) So, looks like we'll have a VERY big day Sat...starting off with the wedding and ending with chemo that night. Normally she throws up with this one the first night so I'm very much dreading that night...will be very exhausting. Claudia has also decided that the 2 weeks of her sleeping through the night was just way too AWESOME, and has gone back to her old schedule of getting up at about 2:00am, ready to play her little heart out all night instead of sleeping. I have no clue why. Dr's have not clue why. Again, we've tried everything. I just don't get it. Please pray she would begin sleeping through the night. This little "problem" is really getting old and exhausting. Did I say we are absolutely EXHAUSTED?!?!

But probably the thing that has stressed me out the most of anything (which is totally pathetic because it is completely cosmetic) is that, about 1 1/2 weeks ago, Claudia lost all of her hair. Dr.'s told us this would happen, but after a yr. of taking this chemo, nothing happened. Dr.'s were amazed and thought Claudia was just going to be one of those "miracle kids." The fact that she lost it really means nothing...other than that her body is reacting normally to the chemo...but WHY, 2 weeks before the wedding????? I would get her up in the morning and she would be covered in hair, and all throughout the day I would pull HUGE clumps off her back, off the couch, everywhere. I cried for almost 3 days straight. It happened so fast. It upset me so bad. And then one day, I was sitting outside while Claudia took her nap, just crying, angry with God, and thought, this is rediculous. Its just HAIR. It will grow back. She's BEAUTIFUL with or without hair. GET OVER IT!!!! She's here. I get to hug her, love her...raise her. I felt such a wave of thankfullness come over me...its as though the Holy Spirit physically wiped the tears from my eyes. I love sensing God's presence in such a powerful way! And yeah, there are times I look at her and feel "sad", but its not because her hair is gone, I think its more because its another reminder of what she's going through...that this nightmere is a reality....that she's fighting for her life.

Thank you all so much for your faithful prayer. I don't think I thank you all enough. It just means so much to us.

And there's no way I could post without any pictures so here we go...

Summer is FINALLY here and Claudia LOVES her bike rides! Doesn't she look so funny...but oh so cute!!!! She's contantly begging daddy to take her on a ride.

Because I've been trying to help Kim with the kids, we've gotten extra play time with the cousins...and believe me, nothing makes Claudia more happy!
I think Clauida would let Lynae pull her on this for HOURS!

Lately Claudia has become so "lovey." And I love it! I'll be reading her a book (or whatever we happen to be doing) and she'll just lean over and give me several kisses...and hugs...and more kisses...and more hugs. So here she is, given daddy kisses!
We've been spending LOTS of time in the pool the past week...and she LOVES it!
Playing with the cousins! (And yes, I know, we're working on getting rid of the dumb pacifier!)
This one is for all of our prayer warriers in Germany! My dad brought this litte German doll back from his trip. And it was so funny, because I told her to hold up her doll and smile for me, well, she just stared at it for a long time, put the hat on her head and smiled this cheesy grin!
Again, thanks for all of your prayers and encouraging words. We love you!

A day in the life of Claudia...

Life is never dull around this house...that's for sure. Sometimes, it just seems that we can never fully get ahead of the "game." Do you ever feel that way? Just when we get Claudia sleeping through the night (something we haven't experienced for almost 1 1/2 YEARS)...life gets interrupted and we start all over again. One step forward, two back. Anyhow, let me catch you up-to-date...

Chemo (2 times ago - April 20th) went well. However, we were told by the doctors that the side effects would probably begin to be a little more intense after this week (it just takes that long for her little body to begin wearing down)...and they were. It started out with constipation. This is always a tough one to deal with. She can't quite communicate well enough to tell us exactly what the symptoms are she's feeling, but she would begin crying...loud, and point to her stomach. We realized after several days that we hadn't changed a dirty diaper so we put two-and-two together. If you've ever had this problem, you know how painful this can be. We were finally able to "get things moving" after a prescription laxative. She's also begun to act a little more tired...just laying on the couch or wanting to be held. My aching mother's heart reminds me this isn't how a two year old should be spending her day.

To add drama (like we need anymore!), last Monday she woke up with a 102 degree temperature. We have strict orders to call our dr. (specialist/onocologist) if her temp. ever exceeds 101, so after several phone calls and a rising temp (almost 104 degrees!) we were on our way to our local pediatrician. He couldn't seem to find any "sick" symptoms (like runny nose, red throat/ears, etc. - which means she could have had an internal infection, like in her blood or somewhere even more serious) so he sent us over to the local hospital for tests...lots of them. Three different blood tests, 2 X-rays and urine testing, to be exact. I'll spare you most of the details, but let's just say this was the beginning of a nightmare. We tried telling him that we would prefer to drive to Lutheran Hospital in Ft. Wayne because they don't "do" pediatric ports at KCH...he insisted they did. So, by the time we got over to the hospital they had lost our, faxed over, paperwork. This resulted in a 1 1/2 hour wait. When it was finally time to draw blood from her port, we were informed that there was not a single person in the entire hospital qualified to draw blood from a pediatric port. Hmmm... We went ahead and got her x-rays done. Still, nobody to draw blood from her port, so they tried getting blood from her arm. After several unsuccessful pokes they decided they needed to find someone who could access her port. Finally, after several (hours!) and phone calls later, we had a nurse that had been trained in an IV ward (25 years ago) and thought she could do it. Again, I'll spare you the details, but it was a long...did I say LONG?!....long process, but we got it done. The blood work came back ok...still puzzling to the doctors, but to be safe (because she is so high risk) they decided to give her an antibiotic shot (with 5 different antibiotics in it). And because they did not leave her port in, this meant ANOTHER POKE for an exhausted, hysterically crying little girl. I guess this is a pretty serious shot to get because she had to go up to the ICU where they had to monitor her vitals as she received the shot in her leg. Of course, she cried hysterically and at the end of the day, I'm still not sure who cried more...her or ME!!! I was so frustrated, angry, heartbroken... We had left to see the dr. at 3:30pm and were finally leaving for home at 10:30pm! What a day. She continued to have a temp the next day (Tues.) but woke up Wed. perfectly fine...no temp, nothing. This meant we were off to Indy for chemo on Thurs. Our dr. (in Indy) was able to determine from further blood testing that she had caught some kind of viral infection (meaning the shot was useless...oh well, better to be safe than sorry, I guess).

Chemo (April 27th) was also uneventful...everything went well. However, AGAIN, she woke up with a temp this past Friday (102 degrees) which lasted until this morning (Sunday). She seems to be ok today, but hasn't had a dirty diaper yet. I hope this isn't the start of another ordeal with constipation. Please pray. Who knows what tomorrow will hold. I just keep telling myself...one day at a time.

The last time we were in Indy, we took a documentary of photos so you can see what our Thursdays getting chemo are like...

Waiting for our nurse to come get us. "Do we have to go back, Daddy? I love all the toys in the waiting room!" Every week before getting chemo, she gets weighed...

...measured (height)...

...and her blood pressure and temperature are taken.
She used to cry hysterically when they did this, now she just crawls right up in the chair and pulls her pant leg up. She's such a big girl!

This is a good picture of what her port looks like when its "accessed" or has an IV/needle in it.
A nurse comes to our house EVERY Wed. to draw blood to check her counts. On weeks we come to Indy, she leaves the needle in, which saves us a poke when we come for chemo the next day.

After checking her vitals, the nurse draws blood for more testing. When she's just "flushing" her port, she lets Claudia help push the syringe...she LOVES this. We have such a WONDERFUL nurse (Cindy). She is soooo good with kids.

Getting one of her chemo drugs (she gets one real quick...and one over a 2 hr.period).
Look how good she is...she just watches!!!And now she has a 2 hour infusion of chemo...so we wait, and watch videos, and play, and take wagon rides, and...
Her FAVORITE thing to do while waiting is playing with the doll house. As soon as she gets hooked up we run, literally, over to it. It was handmade by a man who spent his whole married life making it, and everything in it (as a hobby) for his wife...when she died, he donated it. It really is neat. This picture doesn't show it's grand size and very intricate detail too well.
And we're all done! She always gets a fun bandaid that she's very proud of!

"Can you tell I'm happy to be in the car and on my way home?!?! I'm so brave. Mommy tells me I'm such a fighter and a pretty special girl."So there you have it...a day in the life of Claudia. Just thought you may what to see what she goes though every Thur. She takes it so well. I am so proud of my little trooper. She actually gets excited when we walk in the hospital...she has no clue. So my prayer is that God will heal her of this tumor and that she will never have to emotionally understand this "journey" she is having to bear. She is such a special little girl.

In closing, I just had to share these last photos & story with you. We had a warm spell last week and got to be outdoors a lot (what a blessing...she LOVES being outside!!!) As I was raking some leaves, she wandered out front and as I came around the corner this is what I saw....
...ALL OF MY BEAUTIFUL TULIPS WERE GONE!!!!! She had gotten to every single one of them! But is was so neat because, as I picked up one of the blooms and held it in my hand, I saw an open tulip, a side of these flowers that I had never seen before...it was so beautiful!!!!

God spoke to me very clearly that day. As I stared at this beautiful flower, I was taken by its beauty and completely forgot that my tulip garden had been destroyed and its as though He audibly whispered in my ear, "Learn to see through the circumstance...He makes all things beautiful in His time." (His promise in Ecclesiastes 3:11) Wow! He gave me that little bit of encouragement and strength I desperately needed. A reminder that regardless of how awful our situation may currently seem...be patient...it will all be beautiful in His perfect time. Thank you, God, for reminding me you are in control...all the time! I pray we will be able to see the beauty in Claudia's pain while still here on earth.