NOTE: This was written about 4 weeks ago...I'm just now getting my computer to work. Unfortunately I couldn't get even half of the pictures that were originally linked to this post to download (sometimes I HATE computers!!!!). Oh well...
Finally…a quiet moment to myself. Claudia finally went down for her nap, and I just got off the phone with the pharmacist…I just called in her last dose of chemotherapy. My tears are falling so hard, I can barely see to type. I have so many emotions “flowing” right now…I’m not quite sure which one is making me cry so hard. The past few days, week, month…have seemed so long, and “trying.” I don’t even know where to start.
Sept., we drove up to Clarion North Children’s Cancer Clinic for Claudia’s last dose of IV chemotherapy. I had dreamed (literally) of this day for over 1 ½ yrs. I dreamed of the party we would have…I dreamed about walking away that last time, feeling “victory.” It wasn’t anything like my dreams. Claudia wouldn’t sleep the night before, so after approximately 1 ½ hrs, we decided to just get in the car and go…Christian and I both sick…I, sick enough, I was wearing a mask to try and protect Claudia as much as possible. (You know you’re sick when the dr.’s and nurses tell you that you don’t look good or simply ask, “are you feeling ok?” Yeah, that’s how bad I felt.) I almost didn’t go, because I didn’t want to even possibly infect any of the other sick children at the clinic, but I knew Claudia needed me badly, so they kept us in a hospital room until all the other patients had left. After speaking with the dr., we felt so discouraged. She basically prepared us for the fact that the tumor will likely start growing again after her chemo is finished. She decided that WHEN (her exact word) that happens, we will have to radiate her. My heart dropped. We took a bunch of pictures and tried to act happy that this was our last treatment…whatever that means. I think I cried the entire way home. Today was supposed to be a day of “victory”…not more defeat. I know God knew my pain…and felt each of my tears because when we were driving home, I was on the phone with my mom, telling her how the day went, what the dr. said, and expressing my heartache…when I looked up to see the most beautiful rainbow. I got off the phone with my mom, opened the window and let the cold air hit my face as I just marveled at this beautiful sign of God’s promise. He gave us this beautiful reminder of His promise never to flood the earth again, but that day, He gave it to me to remind me of ALL of His promises. His promises that He is in control…He hasn’t forgot about us…He knows what He is doing…that these “tears of pain” will someday produce “tears of joy.” Although I still felt this heartache, I felt a new sense of peace…and even a tiny glimpse of joy.
Claudia turns 3 on Friday! Its hard to comprehend everything her little life has endured in these past 3 years. She knows no other life than that of needles, pain, hospitals…and yet she’s such a testament of God’s goodness and faithfulness. I don’t know how its possible, but I love her so much more with each and every birthday. Yep…I’m a very proud mamma…and I love my baby so much. She has been obsessed with Sesame Street lately so this will definitely be her birthday theme this year. Every time I ask her what kind of birthday cake she wants, she adds another Sesame Street character to the list. Today when asked she said, Elmo (her favorite), Big Bird, Grover…and today she added Cookie Monster. Not quite sure how I’m going to do it yet. The CRAZY, but creative side of me wants to make a little cake of each character…the sane side of me wants to make a plain white cake and buy all of these characters to put on it! We’ll see. I have some extra time because she’ll actually be on chemo this next week so we won’t celebrate until she’s feeling better. I know she doesn’t know any different but for some reason its sad to me…we’ve never been able to celebrate her birthday on the actual day because of this stupid tumor. Her first birthday, she was still recovering from the surgery, her last birthday she was sick from the chemo, and now this one. Here’s to praying her fourth will be right on the special day…healthy and HEALED!!!
There’s far to much to update you all in one e-mail for let me just tell you about the events of the last few weeks…
Christian had a farm show in Georgia 2 weekends ago, and because it was only a few hours from his parents, we all decided to go! We got Claudia’s blood counts checked the day before we left and they looked ok…not great, but good enough to go. So we did. Because both of Christian’s brothers (both from Indiana) were in Pensacola visiting, we decided to get a cabin (for them) and campsite (for us) at this awesome little campsite in Navarre, FL right on the beach. It was beautiful…and it was a blast! God truly blessed us with beautiful weather and a wonderful time. I’ll let the pictures below tell most of the story from our mini vacation…
Uncle Nate (Christian's older brother), Aunt Olivia (his wife) and Abraham (their youngest) all playing out on the end of the pier. The guys loved the fishing from this dock!
Christian after a "rough" evening of fishing walking to our RV. You can see the beach and cabin in the background.
Olivia, Christian's mom (Carla), me and the kiddos playing in the sand...probably watching a sunset- they were BEAUTIFUL!
Hanging out on the beach. (Unfortunately, I couldn't get any of the other super cute photos to upload...like Claudia feeding the birds, flying her kite, etc... Darn!)
By Monday, both of the brothers had left and Christian had left for the farm show so it was just me, Claudia, Ma and Pa (as Claudia says) for the next four days. It also was a fun, relaxed time.
Claudia picking an orange from Ma and Pa's trees...not quite ripe yet. Pa says by Thanksgiving!
Christian's parents live about 3 minutes walking distance from an awesome little neighborhood park. She loved it! So here's a picture from one our daily (sometimes hourly) walk to the park!
Here's Claudia helping carve our jack-o-lantern. It was quite hilarious...she wanted SO bad to help by sticking her hands in the inside...that is, until she actually did it. She HATED it! She just might be a little girlie-girl!
Sooooo…here’s where things got a little, um, exciting (because we can’t just do anything normal). We got up early Friday, packed and were ready to leave. We always let Claudia sleep until its time to go, so as we’re saying our good-bye’s, Christian wakes up Claudia and brings her to me, telling me he doesn’t think she’s acting quite right. As soon as he hands her to me, I could tell right away that she had a fever…it was 103.7 degrees. FYI, anything above 101 is an immediate call to the dr. So, we called our dr.s in Indy…they said get her in to see the dr. ASAP. To make a very long, confusing story short, we weren’t about to go sit in some ER for hours, so our dr. called down to a pediatric cancer clinic and got us in right away. This was heaven sent. The dr’s and nurses from this clinic were excellent. After examining her and getting her blood drawn, the dr. wanted her admitted immediately…her temperature was still at a dangerous level, she was acting VERY lethargic and the blood test couldn’t determine if she was suffering from a viral or bacterial infection. (Because Claudia has a port-a-cath inside of her, with a tube leading straight to her heart, it is very dangerous if this unit becomes infected with a bacterial infection – it could easily go straight to her heart and kill her.) So, she was immediately admitted and was given multiple antibiotics via IV. And then one of the scariest moments of my entire life happened…after a few hours in the hospital, they couldn’t seem to get her temperature down. She began acting more and more sick. She had had chills all morning long, but she began jerking and we knew it was more than the chills we had seen all morning. Christian began yelling her name, trying to get her to respond….nothing. Her eyes (or eye, because the one doesn’t move) rolled back into her head and the saliva was pouring out of her mouth. Something was terribly wrong. I ran down to the nurses station, yelling for help. Christian picked her up…she was stiff as a board and not responding. Within minutes, we had a team of about 10 dr’s and nurses working on her. The whole thing probably lasted a few minutes but it felt like hours. I just remember crying hysterically and asking what was happening. The nurses tried to calm us. Christian hardly ever cries…he had tears streaming down his face. I just couldn’t believe this was happening…again. We later learned that it was a feberial seizure. I guess this can happen when a child’s fever spikes real high. She was hooked up to heart and O2 monitors and we were transferred to a “higher stat room” which basically means it was across from the nurses station, so they could keep a more intense watch on her. As most of you know, seizures to us, mean lots of meds that make her aloof and are a result of potential brain problems….SCARY and NOT WHAT WE WANT! Christian’s parents called their pastor, and within minutes (literally), he along with another couple from the church were in our room to pray with us. This was such an encouragement and a reminder of how awesome it is to be a part of the family of God. I know God heard our prayers…and chose to answer yes this time. Long story short, she never had another seizure and by 10 or so that night, her fever had broken and she was feeling 110% better. She was still, obviously, sick, but feeling much better. By, Sunday, it was confirmed that she did not have a bacterial infection in her port and that it must have been viral. She was feeling so much better and begging to, “go home”...as were we all!
So, we made it! God just keeps giving us enough strength and patience to get through each new passing day! Never a dull moment...NEVER!
Opening presents...with the help of cousins Kyle and Lynae, of course!
Before we eat my hours of work!!!
Blowing out the candles. Can you tell she put them in all by herself?!
And now for cake #2. She got a hold of this one the night before...I guess she thought she would help stick the figures in deeper than what they were...took a pretty big chunk out of the front (which you conveniently can't see!)
We were only allowed to lick the WHITE icing candles!!!
For hours after everyone left we rode her new wagon around the house...with the new baby, of course. Grandma got her a doll that cries, drinks her bottle, burps, goes potty...basically everything, and she LOVES it!
