Its that time again...

I just can’t believe it’s this time again...MRI time, that is. I’m so horrible about updating, and at this point, probably have no more readers left…in which I could totally understand why!!

OK…before I get any further, I’m just going to be completely honest here…I’ve started this post over about 10 times for fear that I was “venting” too much or coming across as too negative, but sometimes I think its ok to just “be real.” Actually, I think we always need to be real, but maybe its just that our vulnerability often reveals issues of the heart that we don’t always want “exposed”…and yet, the only way God can truly continue to mold our hearts is to be honest, right? God has blessed our little family beyond words and I by ALL MEANS DO NOT want to come across as ungrateful for all that He has done and IS DOING in our lives. And even despite the many challenges and testing of our faith, God continues to reveal his amazing love for us. I just don’t understand why God gives us so many chances. I’m so thankful for a God that never gives up on us…I’m so underserving. God is good - all the time!

Sooooo, anyway…where do I start?!? I truly have had full intentions of updating this long ago, but we lost our camera…which in turn has most of the pictures I want to share. I’m absolutely sick about it. We’ve looked everywhere, and I think I’m in denial because I’ve put off writing this post in hopes it would show up. It hasn’t. I’m to the point now that I don’t even care about the actual camera (that we’ve only had 4 mos.), I just so desperately want all the pictures. Who knows, tonight I found a pair of Claudia’s pants neatly tucked away in the pantry with all the food. I don’t remember doing it, but know I’m clearly the one who did because I had them ready to put on her the other night and (thought) I just laid them down to go to the bathroom. When I was done, I couldn’t find them. (No, Claudia didn’t do it…she could never have reached the spot they were!) I thought I was just losing my mind at the time, actually, I obviously am! Can I blame this one on pregnancy? Or stress? Or both?!

With each passing day, my heart grows a bit more heavy …This next Tuesday, June 26th, Claudia will have another MRI. At this point, she will continue to have them every 12 weeks. (Lord, will I ever get used to this? Will I ever get rid of this pit in my stomach?) She will also undergo surgery to remove her port-a-cath. This will involve opening her up in the same place they inserted it and then cutting it away from the muscle that it is attached to. Since she’s had it inserted, we’ve tried to make it a big deal…that she’s really special for having one in hopes that she would let the dr.’s and nurses “mess” with it more easily, and believe me, it worked. She is VERY proud of it. In fact, when we first started putting the idea in her head that the dr. was going to take it out, she likes it so much she would cry. Now when we talk about it she just gets real serious and says, “and it won’t hurt, right, Mommy?” I don’t ever go into detail but it breaks my heart because I know that it will. They originally had these procedures (MRI and port removal surgery) scheduled for different days, but since they both require anesthesia, we begged them to do both at the same time. It seems to becoming more traumatic each time she’s put to sleep because she’s starting to understand what’s going on…and she HATES it. She’s had all this done way too many times and she knows the routine…all the pre-op stuff. So the tears start earlier and earlier each time. And on Tuesday, its only going to get a lot worse. Up until now, she’s had her port, so we always arrive with it accessed and they can put her to sleep through it while in our arms in the MRI room. However, now they’re going to have to start putting her to sleep with the gas mask and putting IV's in her little arms (which BTW, she has VERY bad veins and her arms and legs look like a pin cushion after trying to get a vein to work). They’ve only had to use this method (gas mask) 3 other times and every time it took several people to hold her down as she screamed hysterically until the drugs kicked in. And on top of it all, they won’t do the MRI first so we won’t be able to be with her when they put her to sleep with the mask. One of the absolute worst memories I have of her first surgery is seeing her little face as the dr. walked away with her. I still have nightmares about it. Ok, I really need to stop talking about this because I’m getting myself all worked up. I’m sure I am making this worse in my head than it actually will be on her, but this is the emotional mess I put myself through every time we get closer to an MRI. The only comfort is in knowing that God is completely in control and never leaves her…even after I have to hand her over. In fact, I think God has been reminding me of this even through Claudia...lately she’s been waking up in the middle of the night, crying real hard with bad dreams (I think they call them night tremors) and it seems to be a reoccurring dream she's having because she always talks about not liking/being afraid of the lions. When she wakes up crying, we pray and tell her that Jesus is always with her and that she can talk/pray to him whenever she is scared. Well, the past few days after telling me she’s “scared of the lions” she says, “ but we pray to Jesus and he help me!” Another cute story…At bedtime after our prayer time, she always asks me where Jesus is. I try my best to explain that He’s in Heaven (and sometimes go into the whole thing about how He can also live in our hearts…..etc, etc.) And lately, she’s been asking me randomly throughout (almost every) day if she can have Jesus over. Its sooo cute and precious. Anyway, I’m asking you all once again to please pray for her upcoming MRI and surgery. In the midst of everything going on right now (or ever, for that matter), I can’t even fathom what a bad report would mean…so I’m just refusing to even go down that road. I’m hoping, praying and BELIEVING in this miracle. HE IS ABLE!

In other news, life has been pretty busy and stressful around here lately. For those of you who may not know, we’re building a new house. I know, what were we thinking?!?! We broke ground in November and were supposed to be in this past March. It is now June and they’re telling us at least August. As you can see, everything hasn’t exactly gone, um, smooth. I’m still not quite sure why I ever agreed to this endeavor, and those that know me, know I can’t make a decision to save my life…and every decision I do make, I second guess. I’ll stand in the grocery store for 10 min.’s trying to decide which flavor of yogurt to get…now, imagine me trying to make 500 decisions (many being permanent) r/e a house! It has not been pretty. We’ve been in Lowe’s so many times, I’m convinced they have a cart reserved for us with our name on it. I’m VERY thankful for this opportunity, but I will also be VERY glad when its over. So, on top of trying to make all these decisions (pure torture!), getting our house ready to sell (also, pure torture! :) ), I’m in the process of unpacking all the baby stuff I had so neatly packed away, all ready for the new house. My official due date is July 28th, but I have an ultrasound July 2nd to determine exactly how I will deliver. I won’t go into details, but we’re going to have to try something a little different with this one…Claudia was 9 lbs. 10 oz., and let’s just say, left a permanent mark on my body. Along with my recent surgery, my dr. is talking more and more like this one may arrive a little early via c-section! We’ll see! Nine ultrasounds later, we’re still unable to tell what sex we’re having! We’ve been putting off so much, in hopes we could make things a little easier by knowing what we’re having. As a result, we have SO much to do before this one arrives. I’m thinking we should probably accept the fact that we may just have to be surprised and go ahead and get going…at least start talking about names and important things like that!!!

Its been so long since I’ve updated, I feel like I could go on forever telling you cute stories about how my little girl is growing up…how God is working in our lives…and how we’re reminded of His goodness, almost, on a daily basis. In fact, I’ve got a really neat story about our last appt. with the dr. that did Claudia’s surgery, but I think I’ll save that for the next post…it will go perfectly with the good report/update I’m going to give!!!

And for the few readers I may have left, here’s some pic’s Christian managed to pull before we lost our camera…

Easter 2007

Claudia with the Dawson gang (on Easter). Getting all the kids to look AND smile would be a modern miracle, so here's the best we could do...if only you could see the 10 adults making faces and noises on the other side!
Dying eggs. Her excitement (and attention span) wore off after the first egg! Oh well, I had fun dying them, atleast! And Easter this year was so cold we couldn't get outside for the annual egg hunt so Aunt Nelle hid them inside for all the kids.

Mother's Day 2007

I am so truly blessed. Period.

Daddy and Claudia doing one of her absolute FAVORITE things. I only wish you could see the more recent pictures on the camera we can't find. :(

Memorial Day 2007

Just a few of the gang for the big picnic we had.

If you only knew how much Claudia loves frogs (or toads)! The only thing is, she won't hold them unless she is wearing gloves - definitley ALL girl!

More pictures to come next post...I promise! Thanks again for your many prayers, encouragement and support. We love you all and will keep you updated.