Sensing God's Hand

(Waiting in hospital to be taken for MRI)





Wow! Where do I begin?!?! Sorry it has taken so long to update you on the events of the past few days. I didn't realize how exhausted and sleep deprived we were until about 10 o'clock last night as I was trying to write this and we all came crashing down from this emotional roller coaster ride, actually "all" referring to Christian and I...Of course, Claudia was wound up ready to play until 4:00 am last night- yes, that's 4:00 in the morning. After her surgery 1 1/2 yrs. ago, Claudia has decided that nights aren't for sleeping anymore. She sleeps a different schedule, literally, every night. I've tried EVERYTHING. I've tried everything from letting her cry (hours!) to putting her on a strict schedule. Nothing works. And to complicate matters, its hard to know if she's crying/fussy because she doesn't feel good (which is VERY possible...talking to patients who are taking her type of chemo say its awful) or if she's just being 2! Needless to say, this sleeping thing is getting pretty old and we always feel tired, and yet I can honestly say that its the least of our worries!

OK, I promised details...lots of detail, so....

Let's begin with Monday - The very powerful day of prayer and fasting. It was from 8 to 5 at our church sanctuary(and in people's homes!). Have you ever felt God's presence so intense that the air almost felt thick? Maybe that sounds weird, but I've never felt God's presence more that that day. A group of amazing, godly men and woman prayed with me, pleading God's promises over our family/this situation and of course, for God to heal my precious baby...HIS baby. It was so much bigger than just a day of prayer for Claudia. People poured in...many I've never even met...most not even attending our church -- all down on their knees, praying. Our phone rang off the hook, the e-mails poured in, all people telling us they were praying. I later learned that word of this day had spread and churches of people across the country were also on their knees praying...from New York City to St. Louis, Missouri (my aunt's church) all the way to Kenya and the CAR, Africa. It was absolutely the most beautiful picture I have ever witnessed of the Body of Christ picking up "wounded" family members and literally carrying them to the cross. There's just no words to describe the gratitude that overflows from my heart. I am so humbled. To all who joined us in prayer that day, thank you. The tears fall from my face because I just can't even find the words to express my love and gratitude for you. So many of you tell me this is "just what the family of God is called to do"...well, I've asked God for special blessings upon each of you...even though I know Heaven will be full of those rewards!!!!! I will tell you in later posts of how God specifically worked in many different ways and lives that day. (A special thank you to Pat Gano for orchestrating the events of this day...I love you)

As we left for Indianapolis that night (we always stay the night at the "hospital hotel" the night before an MRI because Claudia can't have anything to eat or drink before the procedure (they put littles ones her age to sleep for MRI's) and a 2 1/2 hour drive with her begging for a drink is torture..in more ways than one...we only made that mistake once!) I had such a peace that the outcome was in God's hands. And even though my mind reassured me of this peace, my body was overcome with the effects of anxiety including nausea, insomnia, and um...let's just say stomach problems, etc. After anticipating this day for so long, here we were, actually on our way. Needless to say, the drive that night was particularly long...for everyone. Just a sidenote, for those of you that don't know Claudia, she HATES car trips. Minutes after we get her strapped in, she sounds like a broken record crying, "out, out, out, out..." which then quickly turns into full blown crying and tantrums. (I thought car rides were supposed to be "soothing" and make kids fall asleep...oh yeah, I forgot, this is CLAUDIA...nothing is normal!!!) Along with some other behavior we've noticed, we think she is claustrophobic, so being strapped down just doesn't go well. For obvious reasons, this makes our weekly chemo trips to Indy even more stressful! (Thank goodness for mini DVD players...what did they do before them?!?!) Anyway, because we left so late, we didn't get in to the hotel until 12 that night and wouldn't you know Claudia was ready to set the place on fire!!! My parents also drove up to be with us, so after keeping them up for a little while we roamed the hotel hallways. She loves pushing her babydoll in her mini stroller so we walked the halls for the next few hours trying to wear her out. (Aren't you glad you weren't in the hotel with us that night?!?!) And do you think that worked? Nope!!! I know it sounds crazy, but I actually was thankful for the extra time to pray and for something to keep my mind busy...If I hadn't been chasing Claudia, I would probably be laying awake in bed.

Finally, the long awaited, dreaded day came. Unfortunately, Claudia woke up especially "grouchy." As we all know hospitals and dr's offices, we waited 2 hrs. before they actually wheeled her down for the MRI at 12 noon. Thankfully, St. Vincent Hospital is especially "kid friendly" and have many volunteers to help make these kids' experience a little less traumatic. So while we waited, we played with bubbles, took wagon rides, walked the halls and most importantly played with the dogs!!! Yes, you read that correctly! We were fortunate enough to be there when the hospital therapy dogs were paying a visit to pre-op. The fact that her appt. fell during the time these dogs were there is a total "God thing." Again, if you don't know Claudia, she LOVES dogs. When the volunteer walked in with a little white dog and laid it on her bed, I thought Claudia was going to wake the dead with her screams...she was sooo happy! The picture above is not very clear because it was taken with Christian's cell phone, but its the only picture of our day, and those dogs were a vital part in helping us get through it!!! These "waiting" times are absolutely the hardest thing. Waiting in the lobbies of hospitals with a child that has a deficient immune system is absolutely nerve racking. I've become so sensative to germs that I think I could hear someone coughing at least 2 rooms away!!! And try telling a 2 yr. old they can't touch ANYTHING...especially the toys in the dr's office that every sick kid has played with. And even harder, are the "waiting for results " times. The unknowns are so difficult. Waiting...and waiting some more. A verse the Lord has given me and written on my heart that always comes to mind during these times is Psalm 27:13 "Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

Because her port-a-cath didn't have a needle/IV in it this time, they had to put her to sleep with a gas mask...she HATES this. It always tears my heart out when we all have to hold her down until she breaths enough of the gas to put her out...all the while, she's grabbing for me yelling "mama, mama." Once she's asleep, they always let us kiss her good-bye. I can't even write this without crying. I thought after 11 MRI's it would get easier. It doesn't. As I walked down the hall to the waiting room, I could barely see where I was going because of the tears. Its in these moments that I'm reminded how much all of this is out of my control. I'm her mother, I'm supposed to protect her...but I'm completely helpless. It helps to know that when I hand her over to the dr's, God never leaves her. His gentle hands are holding her tighter than mine are even able. What a gentle, comforting God we serve.

The procedure took about 1 1/2 hours. They give us a beeper to go off when they're ready for us and we can go see her. When it goes off, I must look like I'm running a 50 yard dash for an Olympic gold medal as quick as I get to that nurse! Claudia doesn't like anesthesia too well. (Who does?!?) It always seems to take her a day or two to snap out of it. And although she cried quite a bit this time, she actually took it very well and by the time we left recovery and got to the cancer clinic to get the results, she was walking around ready to play! What a huge answer to prayer! Like I said earlier, waiting for the results is absolute TORTURE! The tension in our room while waiting was thick enough you could have cut it with a knife. We've had enough MRI's to know about how long it takes to get the results and so when it was taking especially long, everyone knew this wasn't a good sign. If the tumor was growing, our Dr. would call the radiologist to talk about results and future treatment before talking to us, thus taking much longer. Even our nurse seemed to be extra sensitive to what, we thought, was happening. And then, as I was walking an impatient Claudia, I saw our dr. coming down the hall. She had a funny look on her face. My heart dropped, my stomach was in my throat... all of a sudden, I couldn't move! I'll never forget her words, "Well don't you want to know the results?" (DUH...if you can't tell, I'm holding my breath and if you wait any longer I think I'm gonna pass out!!!!!) "The tumor's not growing. It never did grow, Sarah!" Of course, I ask, "Are you sure?" She says, "yep, I'm sure!" After jumping around and suffocating her with a hug, I ran (yes, ran) to the room to tell everyone! Everyone's eyes instantly filled with tears. PRAISE GOD!! HE ANSWERED OUR PRAYERS!!!

So, the question remains...what happened? The answer, we don't know. Either the tumor has shrunk or the last MRI was inaccurate. The doctors aren't sure. The reason it took so long for us to get the results this time was because the best radiologist in the area was there and wanted to go over every single MRI to compare results. He stands firmly to his professional opinion that the tumor has never grown since the original MRI. Now, my theory...the last MRI's results were no mistake. Whether it grew or not, I don't know, but I do know it was all part of God's sovereign plan to bring His people to thier knees in prayer. That many people, in communion with God was for a purpose...definately not a mistake!

After celebrating with lunch with my parents, its as though God "put the icing on the cake" and Claudia slept the entire way home! (The second best part of the day!!!!)

As I'm sitting here reflecting upon all that has happened these past few days and weeks, I can't help but feel overwhelmed with how we have seen God work and how much we have sensed His hand! And although we have crossed one huge milestone, the journey still remains. We will continue with chemo every Thurs., which is scheduled to last until November. (Which by the way, we are exactly half way done!!!) And we will continue to pray for complete healing...that this tumor would disappear. What we have learned through all of this so far, is life changing. Our lives will never be the same. And although the pain of this journey is sometimes paralyzing, the lessons God has taught me and the person I am becoming because of it, is something that can't be mistaken. GOD IS FAITHFUL. GOD IS GOOD...ALL THE TIME. HE IS ABLE. HE IS BIG ENOUGH. The amount of people that have been impacted and the hearts changed...its all part of the bigger picture. I have numerous stories to tell of how God is working in different people's lives...all because of "Claudia's Journey." Thank you for coming along side us...you mean so much to us.